Erica led me to her car as she kept complaining about her night, little did she know i also had a less then desirable night. The whole ride home as she talked about the exploitation women go trough every time they go to parties, while she put her coat over her skirt that was so short when she sat down i could see her lacey underwear. Her chatter faded into the background as i watched the city lights pass as i lowered the window. I felt the night air graze against my unshaven face the cold night air felt like a welcoming stranger. I looked up into the stars and lost myself in their constellations. As a kid i use to climb on the roof of my house partly to get away from the screaming and fighting of my parents. I would stare at the stars for hours, making wishes to escape far, far away.These familiar stars that once embodied my dreams, my hopes and my wishes were now lighting my way to the place i tried so hard to escape. they were leading me home. Granted it was a different home but none the less a self made prison of shame and memories that would not die of Austin.
I decided to once again forget about the craziness of the whole frat party by throwing myself into school work and classes, it was a self preservation tactic i was becoming familiar with which was deny, deny,deny until you forget. It was the beginning of my second semester in college i was sitting in my English class that i had be wait listed in, so in a desperate attempt to get into the class i decided to show up early to talk to the instructor to plead my case on as to why he should let me in. “Many students drop out of the class within the first week, so feel free to sit in and wait and see if anyone drops out.” he said to me. luckily he was right within the first couple of days students started to drop like flies. Within the first 2 weeks our first assignment was presented to us, we were to write a heartfelt poem, style of our choice that signified a hardship we had to overcome. This poem was to highlight our passion for writing and also give the instructor insight to our writing technique. My “Technique” i thought to myself, i had no technique it was hard enough for me to pull a rose’s are red violets are blue poem together let alone give any kind of insight on my “technique”. The day of the presentation as i clutched my un polished high school at best poem to my body and presented to the class a brief poem on moving from a small town to the city called, “little boy lost” a collective silence washed over the entire classroom. As the professor cleared his throat and called the next student to the podium i hung my head in shame and took a seat. As i sat at my desk humiliated and feeling defeated, i lifted my head to a strong and powerful voice. I looked up and there stood a tall handsome young man by the name of Sean. Sean stood about 5'11 dark brown hair almost black with hazel eyes, he had a muscular chest with nice arms and a half sleave tattoo that poked out of the bottom of his short sleeved shirt. His Poem was amazing, i felt as though he was expressing everything i wish i could have said. The poem was heartfelt, full of pain, loss, faith, and growth. He read his poem with such conviction, that even he began to get emotional mid read. I felt completely and utterly drawn to Sean i had to know him. After class i slowly got my things together as he talked to the professor trying to “bump” into him as we walked out together.
As i walked out Sean followed. i could hear his footsteps behind me as i walked down the hallway. I turned and said, “Your poem was really good.” i said with a school boy smile. “Hey thanks man, yours was good too.” he said with a smile also. “You think so? i dunno i think it was a little too cookie cutter, i think i need to be more free with my writing” as i stopped in the hallway and turned to him. “It was a little young but you will get better. a cute guy like you i’m sure has a lot more to write about.” he said as he smiled. As soon as he said i was cute i suddenly got a big smile across my face and thought to myself YES!!! he is gay. “Here” he said as he wrote an address on a sheet of paper and tore it out of his binder. “This is a coffee place that does poetry readings on Wednesdays around 7:00pm a lot of local armatures’s go and premiere there material, you should go and get the idea and maybe it will help. I go every week.” I could not believe it he was a modern day beatnik. As i took the address he held on to the other half and said, “I really hope i see you there, maybe we can get you found, little boy lost.” i smiled and leaned against the wall as he walked away, i clutched my binder against my chest with the address in one hand as i watched him walk away. I had a big smile and thought to myself, was this a date? if it was a date he would have said it was a date. This was just an open invitation, don’t get over excited i thought to myself. as i bit the edge of my binder still watching him walk away he turned and waived. At that moment i said silently screamed to myself and thought this is SOOOO a date....
Wednesday was right around the corner, and i had no idea what to wear to a poetry reading/date. I wanted Sean to think i belonged to this world of coffee drinking, poetry reading love and peace making crowd. So i did what anyone would do, i googled what the appropriate attire was for beatniks was. I showed up early to get a seat and scope out the scene. As i looked around i noticed that i was the only one dressed in what google had suggested to be the proper attire, I was wearing black jeans, a black turtle neck and a black beret, i looked like a gay French burglar. Felling out of place and like a complete fool i stood up to leave, as i was walking to my car i heard Sean scream my name, i quickly pulled off my beret and turned to look at him, “Hey were are you going the poetry is about to start, what are you wearing?” as i looked down at myself i in a state of panic told him i could not stay due to a conflicting funeral i had to attend. Sean feeling like i was lying asked, “Are you sure? you can’t stay just for a bit” as i looked up at him and his half smile i said, “well i guess i can stay for a little bit, i mean its just the wake right now.” now that i think back at that i must have looked and seemed like an idiot. As we walked into the coffee shop Sean gestured to a girl and said, “Manuel i would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, this is Nicole.”
Nicole..... what could i say about Nicole? Nicole was a beautiful girl with chestnut colored hair, that laid past her shoulders. Nicole had big brown eyes you could sink deep into, she always smelled of apples, i was convinced it was her shampoo as i inhaled deep once we hugged. “I’it’s so good to meet you, Sean always talks about you, nice to put face to a name.” does he? we only really formally met one time i thought to myself. I politely smiled. Who is this perky bitch? i thought to myself. “Nice to meet you also... Sean talks about you all the time too.” i said. as i smiled politely back at Sean, how the fuck was i to know if he talked about her, Fuck i just met this guy 2 days ago i thought to myself. “Come sit next to me, i have our seats reserved here in the front.” as i followed Nicole to he front of the stage i noticed as the audience watched on, I felt important in a weird way. The attention was like a drug a mysterious danger that clung to my unexperienced soul. The weeks past and i began to meet Nicole and Sean on a weekly basis at the Coffee shop where the 3 of us had become a local Celebrity trio. Every night Sean’s poems were more and more erotic and full of undiscovered physical longing. On the night that everything changed Sean had just finished reciting a poem that was entitled, “forbidden desire”. i remember it fondly due to the fact that it was the first time i remembered him reciting a poem where i felt he was talking directly to me. After the poetry session Nicole and Sean both approached me as i was walking to my car. As i turned to say goodnight, Sean reached for my hand and said, “Manuel me and Nicole both think your really hot, do you want to stay at our place tonight?” as i looked at Sean then Back at Nicole i cleared my throat and said... “For like a sleep over or something?” again coming from a small town i knew nothing of group sex let alone group relationships. Nicole grabbed my other hand and said, “Kind of.” she kissed my hand and glided it down her chest. As i stood there i looked at Sean then back at Nicole and thought to myself, what the Fuck is going on? i was to young and inexperienced to deal with whatever they were trying to accomplish. i could feel my heart beating faster and faster. As i looked down at her chest i began to lick my lips, Nicole got closer and pressed her chest against mine which pressed my body against my cold steal car and kissed me, then Sean leaned in while grabbing my other hand pressed it against his jeans on top of his Penis and began to kiss my neck. This was the most erotic thing my small town boy mentality had ever come across. There in a dim lit alley way next to a coffee shop i had my first 3way kiss along with some mild petting, that night i went home with the both of them. The whole drive to their apartment i kep thinking, what are you doing... go home.. but the draw of these two was too strong to resist. As i entered their apartment in a meek and shy way i walked in as though i was being snuck into a high school girls parents house. Nicole went straight to her bedroom as i sat on the sofa. “Do you want something to drink, we have soda, water and budlight” Sean asked. “No, im fine.” i nervously replied. “your poem was really good tonight. it was so powerful i felt like it was talking directly to me.” i said in a awkward fashion. “Good i’m glad you liked it. i did have you in mind when i wrote it.” Sean whispered to me as he sat on the sofa next to me while placing his hand on my knee while taking a sip of his beer. As Sean started to inch closer to me the bedroom door swung open and in the doorway stood Nicole completely naked with a silk pink bathrobe that looked about 2 years old open, “Well boys you coming to bed?” I looked at Sean then back at Nicole, Sean Whispered, “You ready?” i thought to myself, Was i? was i really ready for this kind of life? Sean stood up in front of me with his hand extended as i took his hand i thought to myself, “Dam i should have got that beer.”That night was filled with awkward hand placements and misguided hip thrusts. Sean and i never made contact. the whole night was about pleasing Nicole. I felt as though i was asking for passage into the forbidden land from an unforgiving queen the entire night. The next morning in the light of day everything seemed different. the sun had brought out the truth there was nowhere to hide and nowhere to escape. as i looked to my left was there was Nicole my acceptance into society, and to my right my hearts content, where would i fit in? i thought to myself..... somewhere in the middle, i thought to myself as i pulled the sheets over my head.
