The Morning After...

The Morning After

            As I woke hours later I once again looked to my left then to my right. I sat up holding the bed sheet to my chest. As I tried to hide my newly found shame, but from who? there was nobody  in the room. I sat up still clutching the sheet wrapping it around what a couple of hours ago I had un-reluctantly put on display to my classmate and his girlfriend. My body that I once was taught that God had created in his image of perfection had now become a mobile vessel for which to carry my disgrace. As I sat there I could hear the noise of the street. The sun beaming in burning the newly torn flesh on my back that Nicole had carved with her nails. I could hear the clanking of dishes in the distance. The clanking rang as clanking of armor headed to battle. It called out to me, calling, screaming my name as it Rang louder and louder. I stood up suddenly in one quick swoop clutching my sheet against my body. I approached the bedroom door cautiously as if I was trying to sneak out after stealing something. By default I was who was stolen from, it was my innocence that could never be retrieved again. I walked out past the living room and straight to the kitchen not knowing what to expect. Would they ask me to get dressed and leave? or even worse would they ask me to stay? I stood there looking at the happy couple as they had their back to me. Sean looking over poetry notes with one hand and the other rubbing Nicole’s shoulder. Meanwhile Nicole was painting her nails as her legs that a couple of hours ago were wrapped around my waist were now laying over his lap. From the outside they looked like a typical happy couple, but beneath the surface beneath the smiles and pretty words lied the truth. We might have all been sitting or standing very still but if you looked close enough, very closely you would see we were all in motion. we were ALL running.  I was running towards acceptance of any kind and Nicole was running towards the open arms of a man who was running away from his own sexuality. I cautiously  cleared my throat, they both turned around I meekly said,  “Good Morning.” As I looked down at the sheet that covered my body and played coy by pulling at a loose thread that had become unraveled from the lining of the threaded sheet. I thought to myself how close and easily I was from becoming unraveled myself. “Good Morning Manuel, did you sleep ok?” Sean asked as he took a sip of his coffee. In a very casual way. As if I was a weekend guest, not someone who a couple of hours ago had kissed him passionately while he plowed his girlfriend. “Do you want something to eat? are you hungry?” Nicole asked as she stood and walked towards the stove. Always the gracious host even when she wrapped her legs around my waist that night and pulled me closer as I entered her she whispered, “Does that feel ok?” I looked at them both and said, “No, I'm ok I really need to go. I’m really late for....” I stumbled to think of something while still looking at the ground. “a self defense class” I blurted out. They both looked at each other and looked back at me.“Oh um...ok, I guess I will see you Monday?” Sean asked in a confused but forgiving manor.“Sure, have you seen my clothes? I asked still looking at the ground while scanning the floor of their apartment that seemed to be where wicker came to die. everything was made of wicker including their coffee table. “Oh yea I folded it up and placed it in the laundry room let me grab that for you babe.” Nicole playfully said. “Babe” I thought to myself the very word that I had held close to my heart and had gave so much power was now just thrown around as if to say, “would you like any butter?”. I felt ashamed I clutched the blanket tighter around my body, I felt as though if I were to look them in the eyes I would turn to stone. When I was younger I had the same feeling when my cousin Moni and I would play dress up. Moni and I were as close as two kids could be we grew up kids of the 80‘s and early 90‘s. We grew up in a very large Latin family so of course we were very invested in our Latin roots. Moni had a lot of traditional big fluffy dresses. When we played she always made me wear the light blue dress but deep inside I knew I was a red dress kind of guy. Moni knew I always wanted to wear the red dress so of course she would always wear it. One day after brushing her dolls hair and making them lunch in her easy-bake-oven we began to argue about who got to wear the red dress my aunt walked in and confused as what to even say she just asked me to go home. As I walked out I felt the same shame that I felt that day standing in my light blue fluffy dress when asked to go home. That day I drove home feeling confused and surprisingly empowered. To this day I could not tell you what root I took home, a drive so easily taken many times had become longer and more confusing than the incident from the night before. As I got home I began to shut my blinds, I wanted to hide from the world as if the world knew my shame. I know that to any young person especially a young man the idea of a threesome seems ideal especially in college, but to me it was the most confusing thing. Here I was a young man who was trying to find himself and coming to terms with his new sense of sexuality and trying to see where he fit in society's class system of  straight or gay finding a box to check off  and literally finding himself in a situation where he is being told that there is NO BOX. Sean and Nicole in the course of a night shattered the glass ceiling for me of society where I had resided. The "box" didn't matter, Society didn't matter and gender didn't matter.... All of a sudden Sean's poetry and his philosophical babble made sense. it was as if a switch had been flipped, they cared about me not what imaginary box I was checking to be accepted into society. As the days turned into weeks and soon months, the idea of the three of us being in a relationship became more and more of the norm. As I look back at it now I think that it made perfect sense. I was not ready to let go of who I was expected to be but my soul was striving, gasping for life, for freedom......to be seen.

            As you can imagine a relationship with just two consenting adults is hard enough and having three young college adults was nearly impossible. There was always someone that was left out, jealousy was like a fourth member of the relationship an extra chair that might have never had a physical body but presence was always felt. The empty chair that always seemed to hold our insecurities, secrets, past and future pain this  chair was always pulled close to every dinner table, every coffee shop table, every classroom seat. there was always a presence of inadequacies and fear that lingered around. the air had thickened. In the mist of all of this I had began to become closer to Nicole as a friend, we had always had so much fun together. I had started to pull away sexually from her and she had began to notice. The bed that at one point was our common ground had become my enemy. I felt like a captive unable to move and be free. At first it felt as if it was the liberation of my body to express itself with these two beautiful souls but it quickly became a prison to what my body was able to do and not do. Sean within the months had become increasingly territorial and instructional, he would dictate every sexual encounter as a movie director, "touch her there, grab her there, move your head here" I increasing felt more as a prop and less as a person unable to perform which would throw Sean into a fit of rage. If  I could not perform then that would mean Sean was unable to climax. The once calm and soulful man I was attracted to had become a shell of his former self. he had become a verbally unpredictable abusive man. this once gentle soft spoken man who spoke so much about love and tenderness had come undone. One night we met for dinner the four of us, Sean, Nicole, Me and our empty chair of baggage. I expressed how I felt that Sean was treating not only me but Nicole.

"So what? you want to break up with us just because your feelings are a little hurt? let's be very clear Manuel, Nicole and I are the ones in the relationship your nothing but what WE want you to be and at the moment WE want you to be nothing but our Fuck." Sean said aggressively. "Sean stop it. He doesn't mean that Manuel we both care about you and if there is something wrong then we can definitely fix it we can still make this work." Nicole said as she reached out for my hand. "Come off  it Nicole...stop trying to come off as mother fuckin Teresa. You just told me last night that I fucked up again by choosing a guy that was more interested in being a fag then fucking you properly which is why I have been trying to show him how to fuck you right." Sean screamed from across the table, "Do you know how  hard it is to stay hard while fucking Nicole knowing you're looking at me while I fuck?" Sean took a drink of his beer, and slams the bottle on the table.  "Its uncomfortable bro. I get it we brought you in thinking this was some new age bullshit but  I'm not gay and you obviously are. so jokes on you man, you thought u were going to break it off or maybe you thought that by telling us what you felt would magically switch shit up and we would live happily ever after well that shit is not happening here." Sean looked across the table at me as if I had betrayed him, Nicole looked up from the table and said in a soft voice, "Manuel we care about you, but WE feel that maybe you're looking for something that we can't provide you. and maybe its best that we just end things now before things get really complicated." I felt as though my heart had been yanked from my chest. I could feel my tears flowing down my face. humiliated and feeling alone I sat there not wanting to look up because if I looked up they would have known I had been broken and that was a battle I was not willing to lose. I  thought to myself what is wrong with me? why is it everyone I find a connection with chews me up and spits me out. why am I so easy to discard? then I heard it... the clanking of the dishes from the kitchen the same noise I heard the first time I stayed the night at Nicole and Sean's apartment. It sounded like the same clinks and clanks on an armor getting ready for battle. It hit me this was my battle, and I was not going to go down without a fight. In that moment I realized that I held all the cards, I was in control I was always in control and never realized it and even better I had the least to lose. I wiped my tears away and looked up had a sip of my wine I crossed my arms and smiled, Nicole looked at Sean, "Are you ok Manuel?" Nicole asked in a confused way. I knew I had to choose my words very carefully due to Sean always speaking to us in a belittling fashion "I'm fine Nicole, Sean I understand where your aggression is coming from feelings of inadequacies manifest in many ways especially when feeling threatened." Sean took his beer in his hand," What the fuck are you talking about I'm not threatened by you." I smiled, "Oh of course not, why would you be? as you so vocally expressed Nicole is YOUR girlfriend right? I'm just a play thing right? well ask yourself Sean why does YOUR girlfriend want to play with me so much?" now mind you there was nothing between me and Nicole but all I needed was to plant the seed. Sean was clearly already feeling insecure. Lesson one on how to destroy a man? create doubt. as I stood up to walk out. Sean looks at Nicole and Nicole frantically looks at me and back at Sean, "Wait...Wait Manuel it doesn't have to end like this after all we are friends, don't listen to him Sean I love you. I Only want you. "No Nicole we were never friends, a friend of mine would have never called me a fag especially when I confided in you so much. I understand that you and Sean have been together for all these years but have you ever asked yourself, why has Sean asked someone else to be in a relationship with you? it's because you're not enough." as I turned to walk away I yelled out, "Great tits though" want to know how to ruin a girl? lesson one break down what everyone else sees as fact, in this case that Nicole was holding on to a man who was already gone and two point out  a physical body part is more memorable then you are. I walked out of that restaurant feeling sad and yet empowered at the same time. as I reached the door I noticed that it had started to rain the door man held open an umbrella for me as I hailed a cab, as the cab pulled up I looked up into the sky I stood in the rain as if I was being cleansed.  Nicole and Sean might have not been the best fit for me but I was hopeful and more important I felt as if I was ok, that I had taken control of the situation. As I stood there with the cab door open the cab driver yelled, "Hey man are you ok?" I looked back at the restaurant and said, "I'm fine" I sat in the car and shut the door, I could see the cab drivers eyes in the rearview mirror, "Where to buddy?" he asked I looked back at the restaurant window where Sean and Nicole were as I watched them arguing I looked back at the cab driver and said, "Anywhere but here." as we pulled away I thought to myself I didn't know what was in store for me and for a brief moment I didn't care I just knew that it was going to be my story and I was in control.