Sebastian

Sebastian

            After a week of being home I awoke to the blissful noise of the kitchen faucet as it drenched the dishes in its path, I slid out of my brothers twin bed, not wanting to stand for fear that if I stood up I would be forced to face the day. I crawled on my belly trying to avoid the sun beam and pushed the door shut with my index finger as it made a loud slam. I let out a sigh and tried to spin back around crawling back to the bed which for the past week had become my safe haven. I was half way back in bed when the door was pushed open with great force as I turned back to look one eye half shut, hair half wavy which curled at the ends, missing a sock and ass in mid air there she stood. My mother, she stood in the middle of the door frame as her statuesque body that seemed to command attention with every inch of  her 5'6" small framed body, as if to demand the seriousness of her energy. She stood firm with her arms crossed across her chest, her hair was as dark as winters Cole her eyes as brown as chest nuts which seemed to magnify the light brown freckles across the nose that we both shared and her skin which I had always admired to the flawless nature with its perfect hue of brown, her lips were clenched as she forced the words, "Get out of bed" through her teeth. "I'm not ready" as I said in mid yawn as I slithered back under the sheets. With a swift step the blankets were ripped off of me as I turned to my side with my knees to my chest and yelled, "I'M TIRED!!!! GET OUT!!!" as my mom turned to walk out still holding the sheets she turned and said, "I get it, I understand what it feels like to have the rug pulled from underneath you in mid step." as I sat up and looked at her I could see the hurt in her eyes as she herself being newly separated from my father she too was starting over. "You have to keep walking, you might stumble here and there, the most important thing is to stand back up dust yourself off and never let anyone think they got you down." I turned back in bed and pressed my face against my pillow, "You don't understand mom." as I let the tears slide down my face.  How I wanted to tell her everything but I couldn't I was so ashamed and confused about the whole situation. I thought college would magically turn me into an adult but I failed to realize that with an adult life came adult problems. "Well I'm here whenever you want to talk." as I still had my back turned to her I could feel the warmth of her hand as it hovered over my back but she never made contact. I feel as though she wanted to show me comfort but struggled to in which she didn't know how. I could hear her picking up my clothes off the floor as she quietly exited the room which was a big difference from when she first entered demanding to be seen she now wanted everything but to be seen. As I sat up I looked out the window wiped my tears out of my newly woken eyes and watched my little brother go higher and higher in the swing and thought to myself how I wanted to go back to simpler time. I watched him push himself out of the swing seat and land on the ground on his knees he underestimated the height that he was at as he began to cry, I could hear my mom yell, "Maybe you should go higher next time."  which made me smile.

            My mom was not a traditional mother that coddled her children. My mother raised us with a stern hand. We were raised to the idea that children should be seen but never heard. We were always well dressed and clean never a dirty spot on our clothes. If we were hurt we were never to cry in the presence of anyone because to quote my mother, "If someone hurts you and you cry they will always know where they could hurt you and will use your weakness to continuously beat you." I remember being young and holding in my cries all day from bullies at school and coming home and going to my bedroom and crying because to cry in front of my mother was not only a sign of weakness it was also a sign of defeat. If we were even in a fight at school my mother had a very clear rule, "Make sure you win, because if you fight in school and you lose not only will you have gotten your ass beat in school but I will beat your ass when you get home." I always made sure to win. I grew up very strict and even though we didn't have the physical affection of love like a hug and or a kiss we knew we were loved and that my mother would do anything for us, she was always our savior and our biggest ally. We were raised to think logically and to meticulously choose every move we made and consider every counter effect that might result in our actions. Which is why I found it so difficult to come out at this particular time in my life. This was before it was considered hip and cool or trendy to be gay there was still a real danger of being gay in society at this point in time. I had to choose my next move carefully, I knew that my next move had to be to continue school. It was the only thing I had at the time that seemed to please everyone. I had promised my grandfather I would finish college and I was set on making him proud of me. As I walked out past all the baby pictures of us in the hallway and the grandfather clock that seemed to tick louder than the chime itself, I watched my mother look out the window at my brother on the swing set. I sat down at the table, "I heard him cry. Is he ok?" I asked in a soft spoken voice. My mother looked back at me then back at my brother, "Yea he is ok, you know him he is a little daredevil. He is the toughest kid I know. I'm going to have my hands full with that one. he's isn't scared of anything... look at him he is hanging upside down on that tree now." I cleared my throat. "I have been thinking, and I think I'm going to enroll in the community college here, what do you think? I was thinking that I could get my AA here until I decide what my next move should be." My mom took a moment and look back at me and said, "I think that's a great idea." as she smiled this warm feeling rushed over my body, it was as if I was searching for her approval the entire time and I felt incomplete until that very moment. 

            The next couple of months I emerged myself in school work continuing the perception of the perfect student that I had at this point became the personification of. Around this time there was a newly popular social networking boom that hit teens and young adults with a great force of intrigue and fascination.  Yes before Facebook, Instagram and Eharmony there was a social networking site called MySpace. This was a social meeting place everyone could create and customize a page to their personality and reach out to people they have never met to create a connection or connect with lost friends. I being a young adult of sorts used this site as most did which was as a speed dating site. Now it was not only to meet guys I used it to post videos of my favorite songs and create a top 10 friends lists. Now I bring this up to shed light on the real reason why this site was so important. It was where I first met SEBASTIAN, behind the veil of cyber space I reached out to this really cute guy who's default picture was of him wearing a blue bandana that was folded across his forehead and on top of that bandana he wore a black hat. My very own Miklo (Blood in Blood out character) Now I know what you must be thinking, "Why would anyone think that was attractive?" but he was... and continues to be so. I was obsessed with him. He was my everything at that time.

            Sebastian lived in Las Vegas which was about 4 hours from Blythe and we would talk every day.  He was my escape from my day to day life and soon he held me captive with his calls, his voice and eventually his arms. I felt completely trapped by him I was his willing captive a participating slave and it felt amazing to feel completely owned to someone I felt as though I was his and he was mine. My very own, my beloved. I felt understood and accepted which could be a more addicting drug then air itself. He was my breath and my will to survive.  It was amazing to find someone who was so comfortable with being gay which for me at that time was such a struggle. Sebastian or Bastian which he was more commonly known as was a genetic phenomenon not only was he beautiful he was undeniably a gift....a gift from GOD or whatever deity you happened to believe in and if there was nothing you believed in Bastian had a way of making you believe in not only yourself but the possibility that there was a higher power, due to the fact that this man could not have been placed here by mistake. He was soft spoken but every breath seemed to glide and dance across the wind and into your ears and every word seemed to be more important than the last. He had an essence about him that made you want to know him more in any capacity that he would allow you in. he was 5'10 and worth every inch I myself only being 5'8 seemed to feel so small in comparison but then again I never felt so protected until I was around him...his hugs seemed to consume you, engulf every inch of every self doubt that you might have had about yourself. His eyes were as blue as a clear sky on an Easter Sunday....I could always find myself in those baby blues, whenever the world seemed dark or unbearable. I knew at the end of the day those eyes could bring me home, I felt safe and comforted by those arms that I seemed to later in life not only search but yearn for . His dirty blonde, brown hair meticulously placed, every strand had a home everything so organized and as perfect as he was. But with the sweets came the sour, or  what I would eventually learn was that not even a strong, perfect man could fix a scared, broken boy.

 

An Unexpected Homecoming

An Unexpected Homecoming -

            Darkness, confusion, I had reached a breaking point. Even though my break away from Nicole and Sean had seemed effortless and easy and with the last word that I so dramatically exited with I was tossed into a situation where I for the first time was in complete control of  my life and who I was, not who I was expected to be and who I was supposed to be for someone else and to be honest it terrified me. I had been raised to be the perfect son who never spoke back who did as he was told, when he was told. The forever obedient son, who transitioned to the perfect student, the loyal friend and the trail blazer of the family who was the first of his entire family to attend college. On paper I was the picture of everything a young man in his 20's was supposed to be, but who was Manuel? Manuel was a young man gasping, clawing and desperate for air. Manuel couldn't breathe Manuel was slowly becoming unraveled Manuel was trying to break free. I might have left Nicole and Sean that night but the baggage of who I was, who I really was clung to me like a scarf on a windy day, a scarf that tightened around my neck with every step silencing my true self.

            During this time I had become very comfortable with the middle the grey area between not fully out and yet not completely straight. I used humor a lot to give people a glimpse of who I was. I found comfort in the confusion of an onlooker to my life which in that time from feeling alone with nobody to confide in I enjoyed the company. Humor became a warm blanket of protection to me. If  I ever felt attacked or made to feel less than, I would spin it into a joke to make myself feel comfortable. A cleaver technique that I still use to this day. My reason behind it was that if I ever felt as though I was not in control that by telling a joke I was all of a sudden the leader and could guide the conversation to where I felt conformable the old adage they are not laughing at you if they are laughing with you. Humor was not always my savior, I learned at a young age that sex or the idea of sex could be used as a strong driving force of  manipulation men and women could be guided to do your bidding with something as simple as an adjustment. The gentle glide of your hand around the collar of a man's shirt looking into his eyes with a small smile was enough to give a glimpse of intent or an unspoken fantasy where for a moment he had a chance with you and just like that he was yours. For woman it was a bit harder I spent hours listening to women in college talk about their boyfriends and how they never noticed simple things so I too began to compliment women on the change of their hairstyle, color, weight loss, makeup, outfits and the occasional "you look beautiful today" with a simple acknowledgement I was in, because at the end of the day women and men wanted what I was striving for...to be seen.  

            In my desperation to be seen I had started to become undone. I was striving for someone ANYONE to see me for who I was and more important for them to give me approval that it was ok to be gay. I began to drink in excess to the point where one night in a drunken misunderstanding took the kind words of a friend a little too far. In the desperation to be seen I crossed a boundary with a "straight" friend and leaned in for an unwelcomed kiss. Humiliated and feeling embarrassed I stumbled to bed where I wanted to die. The next day to my surprise the friend had spun the act of a simple kiss into something even more horrible to my roommates. These girls I had known my entire life had now began to look at me with disgust and betrayal. I was quickly voted off the Island without even given the opportunity to explain my side. This to me was probably the biggest devastation to my young adult life. I felt completely alone and even more confused. I was asked to move out that same night. As I packed my things I could feel my tears roll down my face and wanted to scream I'M GAY!! I might have made a mistake by trying to kiss him and for that I am sorry but in that moment I felt as though that the act of a drunken misunderstanding of a kiss might have not been the problem that the problem actually might have been the realization that their long time friend might be gay and that it was something that neither of them were ready to deal with. I was alone again in a time where I felt I could not be accepted for who I was. Many years later one of those roommates and I would reconcile and I love her as much as I ever have. To describe her is as difficult as to describe a sunset, the moon, the stars, or the wind she is as unique and as majestic as each and a beauty that is undeniably the best the world has ever known. Her beauty is magnified by her equally as beautiful soul. and I am proud to still be able to call her friend, an ally, and my Hawaiian luva. My other roommate I never heard from again and to be honest I think it was for the best. I think I was most hurt by her dismissal I had known her since the 5th grade. I believe out of everyone she would have known my heart. Since then I have come to terms with the idea that sometimes some people have to exit your life so that new people can come and help you to continue to grow. This is what I feel she was, she was a stepping stool for me to achieve a better more confident self. How can we truly grow and strive for better if who we surround ourselves with depend on us being mediocre. I have reached out to her many times to try and rekindle some type of friendship and have always been ignored which is fine. I wish her the best in life as to which I continue to live my life free to be myself.

            As I left the comfort of San Diego my mom questioned what my fall out with my friends was about but I couldn't bring myself to let her in not just yet. I was still ashamed and confused by the whole situation. We made our 4 hour trip back to the town that for the longest time was my prison. As I sat in that car I began to get anxiety. How I dreaded the feel of my hometown. The dry, hot air as it burned across my face, the constant mirage that seemed to be a permanent fixture in the distance of an idea, an illusion of what your life could be outside the city limits of Blythe. How I loathed this city. To me my return was just another suppression of who I was meant to be. Many times I wanted to throw myself from the moving car. My mom leaned over and said, "As much as you hate this town its part of who you are. You will forever be linked to this place. It will and forever be your home." As I sat up in the car as we drove into town,  I looked around at the desolate city it was as if time had stood still, it was the town time had forgotten, nothing had changed. Maybe my mom was right I was forever linked to this town like a chain clutched around my ankle. I remember a quote once that said, "Home is where the heart is." I looked over at my mom and smiled, "Well" I thought to myself there is my heart so I guess this is where my home is. It seemed like she was the only one happy to see me home again. As we stopped at the stop light at the intersection of the only main road in our home town I saw a woman a who seemed to be very frail, sunburn, hair a mess and clothes seemed tattered. As she crossed in front of us a little girl poked her head out of the blanket that was covering the stroller she was pushing and she waved at us. My mom grabbed my hand and as she held it said, "Take all the time you need to get back on your feet here, but leave as soon as you can." I looked back at the woman as she got the other side of the street and thought, Home might be where the heart is but I guess it's also true when they say you can never go home again. I knew I would forever be chained to this town but for the next year I would try my hardest to break thru this chain or cut off my foot trying.

The Morning After...

The Morning After

            As I woke hours later I once again looked to my left then to my right. I sat up holding the bed sheet to my chest. As I tried to hide my newly found shame, but from who? there was nobody  in the room. I sat up still clutching the sheet wrapping it around what a couple of hours ago I had un-reluctantly put on display to my classmate and his girlfriend. My body that I once was taught that God had created in his image of perfection had now become a mobile vessel for which to carry my disgrace. As I sat there I could hear the noise of the street. The sun beaming in burning the newly torn flesh on my back that Nicole had carved with her nails. I could hear the clanking of dishes in the distance. The clanking rang as clanking of armor headed to battle. It called out to me, calling, screaming my name as it Rang louder and louder. I stood up suddenly in one quick swoop clutching my sheet against my body. I approached the bedroom door cautiously as if I was trying to sneak out after stealing something. By default I was who was stolen from, it was my innocence that could never be retrieved again. I walked out past the living room and straight to the kitchen not knowing what to expect. Would they ask me to get dressed and leave? or even worse would they ask me to stay? I stood there looking at the happy couple as they had their back to me. Sean looking over poetry notes with one hand and the other rubbing Nicole’s shoulder. Meanwhile Nicole was painting her nails as her legs that a couple of hours ago were wrapped around my waist were now laying over his lap. From the outside they looked like a typical happy couple, but beneath the surface beneath the smiles and pretty words lied the truth. We might have all been sitting or standing very still but if you looked close enough, very closely you would see we were all in motion. we were ALL running.  I was running towards acceptance of any kind and Nicole was running towards the open arms of a man who was running away from his own sexuality. I cautiously  cleared my throat, they both turned around I meekly said,  “Good Morning.” As I looked down at the sheet that covered my body and played coy by pulling at a loose thread that had become unraveled from the lining of the threaded sheet. I thought to myself how close and easily I was from becoming unraveled myself. “Good Morning Manuel, did you sleep ok?” Sean asked as he took a sip of his coffee. In a very casual way. As if I was a weekend guest, not someone who a couple of hours ago had kissed him passionately while he plowed his girlfriend. “Do you want something to eat? are you hungry?” Nicole asked as she stood and walked towards the stove. Always the gracious host even when she wrapped her legs around my waist that night and pulled me closer as I entered her she whispered, “Does that feel ok?” I looked at them both and said, “No, I'm ok I really need to go. I’m really late for....” I stumbled to think of something while still looking at the ground. “a self defense class” I blurted out. They both looked at each other and looked back at me.“Oh um...ok, I guess I will see you Monday?” Sean asked in a confused but forgiving manor.“Sure, have you seen my clothes? I asked still looking at the ground while scanning the floor of their apartment that seemed to be where wicker came to die. everything was made of wicker including their coffee table. “Oh yea I folded it up and placed it in the laundry room let me grab that for you babe.” Nicole playfully said. “Babe” I thought to myself the very word that I had held close to my heart and had gave so much power was now just thrown around as if to say, “would you like any butter?”. I felt ashamed I clutched the blanket tighter around my body, I felt as though if I were to look them in the eyes I would turn to stone. When I was younger I had the same feeling when my cousin Moni and I would play dress up. Moni and I were as close as two kids could be we grew up kids of the 80‘s and early 90‘s. We grew up in a very large Latin family so of course we were very invested in our Latin roots. Moni had a lot of traditional big fluffy dresses. When we played she always made me wear the light blue dress but deep inside I knew I was a red dress kind of guy. Moni knew I always wanted to wear the red dress so of course she would always wear it. One day after brushing her dolls hair and making them lunch in her easy-bake-oven we began to argue about who got to wear the red dress my aunt walked in and confused as what to even say she just asked me to go home. As I walked out I felt the same shame that I felt that day standing in my light blue fluffy dress when asked to go home. That day I drove home feeling confused and surprisingly empowered. To this day I could not tell you what root I took home, a drive so easily taken many times had become longer and more confusing than the incident from the night before. As I got home I began to shut my blinds, I wanted to hide from the world as if the world knew my shame. I know that to any young person especially a young man the idea of a threesome seems ideal especially in college, but to me it was the most confusing thing. Here I was a young man who was trying to find himself and coming to terms with his new sense of sexuality and trying to see where he fit in society's class system of  straight or gay finding a box to check off  and literally finding himself in a situation where he is being told that there is NO BOX. Sean and Nicole in the course of a night shattered the glass ceiling for me of society where I had resided. The "box" didn't matter, Society didn't matter and gender didn't matter.... All of a sudden Sean's poetry and his philosophical babble made sense. it was as if a switch had been flipped, they cared about me not what imaginary box I was checking to be accepted into society. As the days turned into weeks and soon months, the idea of the three of us being in a relationship became more and more of the norm. As I look back at it now I think that it made perfect sense. I was not ready to let go of who I was expected to be but my soul was striving, gasping for life, for freedom......to be seen.

            As you can imagine a relationship with just two consenting adults is hard enough and having three young college adults was nearly impossible. There was always someone that was left out, jealousy was like a fourth member of the relationship an extra chair that might have never had a physical body but presence was always felt. The empty chair that always seemed to hold our insecurities, secrets, past and future pain this  chair was always pulled close to every dinner table, every coffee shop table, every classroom seat. there was always a presence of inadequacies and fear that lingered around. the air had thickened. In the mist of all of this I had began to become closer to Nicole as a friend, we had always had so much fun together. I had started to pull away sexually from her and she had began to notice. The bed that at one point was our common ground had become my enemy. I felt like a captive unable to move and be free. At first it felt as if it was the liberation of my body to express itself with these two beautiful souls but it quickly became a prison to what my body was able to do and not do. Sean within the months had become increasingly territorial and instructional, he would dictate every sexual encounter as a movie director, "touch her there, grab her there, move your head here" I increasing felt more as a prop and less as a person unable to perform which would throw Sean into a fit of rage. If  I could not perform then that would mean Sean was unable to climax. The once calm and soulful man I was attracted to had become a shell of his former self. he had become a verbally unpredictable abusive man. this once gentle soft spoken man who spoke so much about love and tenderness had come undone. One night we met for dinner the four of us, Sean, Nicole, Me and our empty chair of baggage. I expressed how I felt that Sean was treating not only me but Nicole.

"So what? you want to break up with us just because your feelings are a little hurt? let's be very clear Manuel, Nicole and I are the ones in the relationship your nothing but what WE want you to be and at the moment WE want you to be nothing but our Fuck." Sean said aggressively. "Sean stop it. He doesn't mean that Manuel we both care about you and if there is something wrong then we can definitely fix it we can still make this work." Nicole said as she reached out for my hand. "Come off  it Nicole...stop trying to come off as mother fuckin Teresa. You just told me last night that I fucked up again by choosing a guy that was more interested in being a fag then fucking you properly which is why I have been trying to show him how to fuck you right." Sean screamed from across the table, "Do you know how  hard it is to stay hard while fucking Nicole knowing you're looking at me while I fuck?" Sean took a drink of his beer, and slams the bottle on the table.  "Its uncomfortable bro. I get it we brought you in thinking this was some new age bullshit but  I'm not gay and you obviously are. so jokes on you man, you thought u were going to break it off or maybe you thought that by telling us what you felt would magically switch shit up and we would live happily ever after well that shit is not happening here." Sean looked across the table at me as if I had betrayed him, Nicole looked up from the table and said in a soft voice, "Manuel we care about you, but WE feel that maybe you're looking for something that we can't provide you. and maybe its best that we just end things now before things get really complicated." I felt as though my heart had been yanked from my chest. I could feel my tears flowing down my face. humiliated and feeling alone I sat there not wanting to look up because if I looked up they would have known I had been broken and that was a battle I was not willing to lose. I  thought to myself what is wrong with me? why is it everyone I find a connection with chews me up and spits me out. why am I so easy to discard? then I heard it... the clanking of the dishes from the kitchen the same noise I heard the first time I stayed the night at Nicole and Sean's apartment. It sounded like the same clinks and clanks on an armor getting ready for battle. It hit me this was my battle, and I was not going to go down without a fight. In that moment I realized that I held all the cards, I was in control I was always in control and never realized it and even better I had the least to lose. I wiped my tears away and looked up had a sip of my wine I crossed my arms and smiled, Nicole looked at Sean, "Are you ok Manuel?" Nicole asked in a confused way. I knew I had to choose my words very carefully due to Sean always speaking to us in a belittling fashion "I'm fine Nicole, Sean I understand where your aggression is coming from feelings of inadequacies manifest in many ways especially when feeling threatened." Sean took his beer in his hand," What the fuck are you talking about I'm not threatened by you." I smiled, "Oh of course not, why would you be? as you so vocally expressed Nicole is YOUR girlfriend right? I'm just a play thing right? well ask yourself Sean why does YOUR girlfriend want to play with me so much?" now mind you there was nothing between me and Nicole but all I needed was to plant the seed. Sean was clearly already feeling insecure. Lesson one on how to destroy a man? create doubt. as I stood up to walk out. Sean looks at Nicole and Nicole frantically looks at me and back at Sean, "Wait...Wait Manuel it doesn't have to end like this after all we are friends, don't listen to him Sean I love you. I Only want you. "No Nicole we were never friends, a friend of mine would have never called me a fag especially when I confided in you so much. I understand that you and Sean have been together for all these years but have you ever asked yourself, why has Sean asked someone else to be in a relationship with you? it's because you're not enough." as I turned to walk away I yelled out, "Great tits though" want to know how to ruin a girl? lesson one break down what everyone else sees as fact, in this case that Nicole was holding on to a man who was already gone and two point out  a physical body part is more memorable then you are. I walked out of that restaurant feeling sad and yet empowered at the same time. as I reached the door I noticed that it had started to rain the door man held open an umbrella for me as I hailed a cab, as the cab pulled up I looked up into the sky I stood in the rain as if I was being cleansed.  Nicole and Sean might have not been the best fit for me but I was hopeful and more important I felt as if I was ok, that I had taken control of the situation. As I stood there with the cab door open the cab driver yelled, "Hey man are you ok?" I looked back at the restaurant and said, "I'm fine" I sat in the car and shut the door, I could see the cab drivers eyes in the rearview mirror, "Where to buddy?" he asked I looked back at the restaurant window where Sean and Nicole were as I watched them arguing I looked back at the cab driver and said, "Anywhere but here." as we pulled away I thought to myself I didn't know what was in store for me and for a brief moment I didn't care I just knew that it was going to be my story and I was in control.