Ghosts of the Past

     A sudden wind spun from the waves of the ocean and slammed against the shutters of my bedroom window, waking me from my heart broken comma. As I tried to open my eyes but found it difficult due to the fact that my eye lashes and lids seemed to be sealed shut from the dry tears that comforted me the night before. I stood up walked to the window and gazed out at my view. The same view that a couple of days before was my salvation and my new beginning now seemed to be my prison of which I felt I could never escape. My crime was my sexuality, my warden was in the form of Austin and my sentence was life. As I staggered to the living room I came across Martha as she was leaving for the day. “Morning, somebody got in late last night, did you have fun with your new friends?” I quietly poured, myself some coffee and walked to the sofa without making eye contact, “It was ok.”I took a quick sip instantly burning my lip I closed my eyes then quickly looked down at my feet. I felt as though if she were to see my eyes she would see the pain and humiliation as I knew my own mother would. “Well thats good, I'm sure you guys will have a lot more fun. I gotta go but can you make sure to pick up the kids from summer school at 3?” Still not looking at her I replied, “yea, of course.” with that she shut the door and was gone.

     I sat on that sofa for hours going over the steps of the prior night. I re-evaluated everything 3 to 4 times trying to figure out if I had missed anything, there was nothing but the lingering feelings of shame and his kiss on my lips. I decided to call my mom beside my better judgment I just needed that familiar voice that would still make me feel somewhat alive and like I mattered. As the phone rang I thought to myself did I make a mistake? But it was to late, “Hello? Hello? Who's this?” the familiar voice was enough to make me start crying all over again, I took a deep breath and a gulp and said, “Hi mom, what are you doing? How is everyone?” As I put my hand over the receiver and quietly let out a silent cry and let the tears fall from my face. “OH!!! Chaparro, everyone is good, but how are you?tell me everything, have you made any friends?” the optimism in her voice made it even harder to express how I really felt. The only thing I could manage to say was lies, the comfort of a fool, “I'm good mom, everyone is so nice here I have made a lot of friends, I'm actually about to meet some friends by the beach but wanted to say a quick hi, I miss you guys so much.” I again covered the phone while I set out another cry as I pretended to clear my throat as I got back on the line. “What's wrong?” my mother questioned. “What? Nothing what do you mean?” a sudden rush flustered me. I felt a sudden rush of blood as it made its way to my head causing me to get hot and sweat. It was a mixture of embarrassment and guilt that suddenly rushed over me. “I know when something is wrong, I can feel it. What's wrong?” I quickly went into damage control assuring her that everything was fine. She reluctantly accepted my excuses for sounding weird to being tired and being in a rush to meet “my friends”. As we hung up the phone I began to think that I couldn't let this one occurrence with Austin bring me down I had to pick myself up and get on with my life. So I stood up, picked up the broken pieces of my heart and got dressed. That day I began to look at things a little different. I began to think that not everything had a storybook ending but that didn't mean I couldn't make my life an interesting read.

     As the months went on I got a job was enrolled in college and was getting my life together little by little. Austin had become an accident in my past, a mistake a moment of vulnerability to a young impressionable teen. He was a ghost of my past, until that ghost became a reality when I ran into him at a local movie theater. He was on a date with a pretty girl and I was with Martha. I had just got back from the lobby with my large bag of popcorn and soda, I turned to make sure I was going to sit in my seat when I spotted him whispering in his dates ear. I thought to myself It was not so long ago that he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I felt my face get hot and cold all at the same time. We locked eyes as I sat down and I quickly turned around. Martha mumbled something. I couldn't make out what she had said, “Sorry, what?” she looked around us, “I said, what's wrong?” “Oh nothing I forgot napkins, I will be right back.” I stood up making my way through the many legs to the hallway I felt as though my throat was closing in on me, I couldn't breath the walls were closing in and I needed to escape. I burst through the doors and I felt nothing but anger at that point. It was as if it was my personal theater and he had showed up to piss all over it. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I wanted to scream and yell but didn't understand why. I had let it go a long time ago. I sat on the sofa outside the theater door. Suddenly the door swung open and who was there but mister wonderful him self. I might have came to the movies to watch, “The Others” but I was dealing with my own ghosts now. As he approached me my heart began to beat faster and faster, “I know you must be really mad and confused Manuel but let me explain.” he began to say. “Honestly Austin save it, nothing you can say would make up for what you and your buddy did to me. I was humiliated and treated like shit all because you couldn't stand up to some nobody and tell him what you really were.” I began to notice that my tone was getting a little to high and not wanting to cause a scene quickly lowered it as I looked around. “Thats not it Manuel you have to understand with my rank in the military if anything came out I could be discharged. You have no idea what kind of pressure that puts on me. I really do wish I could be with you but at this time it doesn't look like that can happen.” and just when I thought I could write him off as an asshole he made the one statement that I always think back on he looked at me dead in my eyes and said, “I really did like you.” as I looked at him I could feel that he really did but his situation prohibited him from actually being able to act on it. as he got closer and reached out to me to give me a hug I stood there with my arms crossed in front of my chest. I knew I should have been furious and should have kicked him in his balls but at that time the past and my anger seemed to fade and all I could focus on was that in this moment in time he was hugging me in public. His big arms were once again wrapped around me. An embrace that I had forgotten but still seemed so familiar. The movie theater next to us let out and as the crowds entered the lobby Austin quickly released me from our embrace at that moment I realized that I would never be nothing more then a secret forever in the shadows something I refused to be. I care about him but I cared about myself more and refused to be his secret love. So I lost myself in the crowed and made my way back to the door of our theater as I turned back and caught a glimpse of Austin as he searched through the crowds of people. It hit me he might have been searching for me but I had already found myself or at least was on the right path of finding who I was to become and what I would never become which was a secret. I made my way back to me seat, “Where are the napkins?” Martha asked. “Oh they were out, what did I miss?” when the movie was over Martha and I made our way though the lobby as I looked back and saw Austin and his date hand in hand she rested her head on his arm as he towered over her. He didn't notice me as I watched him brush her bangs to the side and kiss her. I began to smile Martha asked, “What's wrong? You know him?” as I turned and sighed, “No, no I don't, he looked like someone I thought I knew.” some ghosts might haunt us forever and then there are those that fade into the distance and become nothing more then an memory its up to us to choose if they will hold us back or if we will use them as a catapult to push us forward. I choose to go forward.

     As the weeks past I had become more and more independent, school and work was going great I had made new friends and was at the very forefront of the peak of my college experience. I had attended a couple of parties and had just been invited to my very first frat party. After the whole Austin situation I decided to push my sexuality down and not think about it as much and just live life. And it was working until the night of the frat party. I had drank to much and remember being helped upstairs to one of the rooms by a group of fraternity brothers left on one of the beds to sober up. I fell into a deep sleep, next thing I remember is waking up to a sensation I had not felt in a long time. As I opened my eyes I heard the base of the music in the distance, I looked down and saw my pants around my ankles and my limp dick being worked on while in a guys mouth. I grabbed him by the hair on the back of his head and lifted his head to see who it was, “What are you doing?!!! who are you?!!” I yelled as I jumped to my feet and put my pants on. “It's cool man, it's cool” he kept saying “No, no its not cool!!” as I started to walk out I heard another guy come out of the bathroom as he said, “Oh, party's over?” as I leaned over and threw up everywhere. Apparently while I was passed out I had been a human blow pop for these frat boys... And this my friends was my first gay experience.

An Officer and a Gentalmen

      As the morning light beamed through the cracked window shades waking me from my sleep. I sat up from my small twin sized bed that I had claimed the night before when we arrived at Martha's apartment. As I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes it suddenly hit me, I was on my own. A sudden feeling of horror and nervousness overwhelmed me. I looked around at my strange surroundings seeing all the toys and clothes laying on the ground of Martha's son's bedroom. I walked to the kitchen grabbed a coffee mug. On the mug it had a cat holding on for its life and the caption read, “Hang in there”. I walked out to balcony and watched people as they ran on the beach. It was so quiet and peaceful. I sat there in my pajama pants and a muscle shirt, my hair disheveled with just enough product to have it completely smashed on one side. The early morning mist from the ocean washed over me, in a way cleansing me as if it was washing away my past and giving me a whole new beginning. If only it was that easy. I sat there in the early morning light and cried for my mom, sister, brother and yes even my father. I missed them so much. After all even though I was 18 I was still a child away from home for the first time. I looked down at the beach and spotted a father walking hand in hand with his young son. It seemed so alien to me, all my life I longed for that closeness with my father. Yes my father was stern with me and many times just cruel but he was the only father I ever had. And most important the only father that ever wanted me. You see my father adopted me at a very young age. I was in the 3^rd grade when my new life began and was given a new name.
      My biological father was a stranger to me, my mother and I left him when I was very young, a baby still. He was an abusive drug dealer and user. A combination that was never good. Our escape would be harder then what my mother had anticipated. Being my father's only son he had felt compelled to keep me as close to him as possible. I was his property and I was a non negotiable item. My mother on the other hand was free to go anytime. A routine visit to our relatives house in Blythe had turned into a mission of survival. We went into hiding my mother aggressively negotiating to never go back to the arms of my abusive father while my grandfather on my fathers side was the mediator. At one point my Father grabs me and threatens to run away with me and make sure that my mother never saw me again. My grandfather who I always remember as being a kind man intervened and pulled me from my father's arms and gave me to my mother. My grandfather knew what kind of a son he had and knew what was the best for his grandson so he did what was best for me and sent me away with my mother. I will always be grateful to him for that.

       As the years progressed my biological father who I misguidedly called dad left me with many memories none of which were good. I remember being very young and getting calls from him telling me that he was on his way to pick me up for the weekends. I remember jumping off the counter and running to my room as fast as I could as if he was down the street and didn't want to keep him waiting. I would pull out my little blue suite case and filled it with toys and clothes. My mom would stand at the door frame of my room and ask in a low calm voice, “What are you doing chapparo” a nick name that I was given since birth in English it means “shorty”. I would always turn around and say, “My dad is coming to pick me up, and we are going to Disneyland and we are going to ride motorcycles and he is taking me on his airplane...” the list would go on and on with the things we were going to do but never did. I never really understood why he would call. He never showed up but every weekend he would make the same promises and every weekend I was filled with the same excitement. As I would drag my suite case off my bed due to it being so heavy I would walk past my mom in the hall she was always so sad. Eyes filled with tears I would always reassure her, “Don't worry mom I will be back.” I would drag my suite case to the edge of the street. Where I would sit on the edge of the sidewalk. Always fashionable wearing shorts, a he-man t-shirt and knee high tube socks. I remember my cousins would always ride by in bikes and I would jump up and yell, “Hi guys, I can't play today my dad is picking me up and we are going to have fun all weekend.” my mom would come out with a tooth brush, “You forgot this, I know your going to be having fun but you can't forget to brush your teeth”. “ thank you momma” as I opened my suite case and placed my tooth brush inside. My mom would always ask. “Can I sit down and wait with you?” as I looked up at her, “Yes momma but my dad is going to be here soon he is really coming this time, he is just buying me a present because he is sorry he is a little late” my mom would sigh and sit down pull me close against her and say, “Oh yea? What is he buying you?” before I knew it I was yawning and describing all the things my dad was going to buy me things of course I had made up in my mind, that my perfect father was bringing me before I knew it I was in her lap fast asleep. I would always wake up the next morning in my own bed. I could only image how hard it must have been for my mother to have me looking forward to my father picking me up and the disappointment I had faced with every time he never showed up. I remember always hearing my mother yell at him over the phone screaming, “If your not going to come don't say your coming, do you know what that does to him? Do you even care?” as I played with my he-man greyscull tower of doom. I felt as though I was not important and that was never made more clear until the day I was introduced to my half brother who had my same exact name. Yes you read this correct my father had replaced me in every sense of the word he named my half brother my first and last name. Shortly after that is when my step father legally adopted me and changed my name to what it is today. All the memories of my past flooded over me much like the waves that crashed onto the rocks down below on the beach. But I couldn't help but think that was in the past and now I was at the cusp of a new beginning and finally being able to forget the past. Blythe felt a world away and with that I found comfort, I felt that I could really find myself and find why I always felt different isn't that what college is all about? Self discovery. The chance to explore who I really was in a consensual sense would present itself sooner then I though. During the summer of 2001 a lot of things happened. I moved away from Blythe the only home I had ever known and I also found a new home and comfort in the arms of a man who made me feel like a stranger to myself.

       The summer of 2001 had just began, it was the beginning weeks when the day air was hot and the nights were left with the lingering musk of that day. On one summer day I decided to take in the sun and lay out on the beach. Martha living so close I decided to walk and become familiar with my new neighborhood. It was not a particularly busy day at the beach. There were scattered people all over the place, much like high school. There were a group of jocks huddled together on one end, a group of misfits, the pretty people on one side and the ones that were obviously not sure on what to do scattered all around. I found solace in the fact that I was not the only one that was out of place. I laid out my towel took off my shirt rubbed on my sunscreen. I laid back with my sunglasses on and pressed play on my cd player, as No Doubt began to play. After awhile there was a sudden eclipse, I opened my eyes and there stood one of the hottest guys I had ever seen. He toward over me his head was buzzed cut but you could see that his hair was a light brown or blond due to the stubble. He had broad shoulders and the most perfect chest and arms I had ever seen, that is outside of an action hero movie. All I heard was muffled noise I took off my sunglasses and headphones and looked around as if I had been sitting in his seat or to see if he was possibly talking to someone around me. “I said, are you from here?” he repeated himself I quickly lifted my hand to block the sunlight that was blindingly reflecting off his dog tags that hung from his neck. Still I said nothing, “Me and some buddies are stationed here at camp Pendleton and were looking for some cool places to hang out at, we were just talking to some locals to find out what there was to do here.” camp Pendleton was a military base not to far from the beach, I still said nothing, at this point I'm sure he thought I had some sort of learning disability. “Ok well sorry to have bothered you.” he began to walk away. I cleared my throat, “I'm not from here.” I yelled out as if I had been some sort of prisoner of war torchard to give up top secret information. “Oh, I'm sorry I thought you lived here, well do you know any place to go out around here?” I nervously started to gather my things as if I had been caught trying to smuggle narcotics over the state line. “No, sorry I just moved here. I don't even know anyone.” he picked up my water bottle and handed it to me, “Thank you” I replied as he stood there glistening from the beads of sweat that his body produced from the heat. “No problem, my name is Austin and a couple of buddies are meeting up here later on if you want to hang out with us, maybe we can all find something fun to do.” I looked up at his kind eyes that were as blue as the ocean and the whitest smile I had ever seen and thought to myself how nice he was. There was a feeling that seemed to wash over me a feeling of familiarity that I knew him somehow. I felt it down in my bones. There was something about him that I felt was somewhat like myself. I would soon find out what that something way.

        That night I met Austin but surprisingly he was alone. He said that his buddies had met some girls and that he didn't want me to feel as though I had been dissed. That night as we walked along the beach for hours, Austin expressed his dreams, goals and fears I found our connection to be even stronger. This military man had the ability to express everything I wished I could. When I would talk he actually listened. He made me feel as though I was the most important person in the world and that what I said and felt mattered. Which was what I had been looking for all along. As the night came to an end it hit me Austin was a gay man, a gay military man, a Gay military man who found interest in me. That was the connection, we were both hiding the one thing from the world what we wished we could express the most. He never vocally said it but I knew from the way he made me feel. As the night air became a little colder Austin gave me his jacket he wrapped it around me as if he was trying to shelter me from not only the coldness but the world itself. As he zipped up his jacket he pulled me close and it happened, he leaned in and kissed me. It was the most perfect kiss. It was not my first boy kiss, I had been making out with guys all through out high school, most of whom were on the football team. This was different there was no needing to worry about having to avoid him the next day at school or having to deal with the name calling. It was pure and freeing, to be able to be with someone who made you feel special in an open non-threatening manner it seemed like a dream, but like most dreams it came to a sudden stop. As Austin walked me back to the boardwalk, things seemed to change. Before we were hidden from the world in the darkened mist of the night. There were no lights on the beach to expose us, we were just two dark shadows in a romantic embrace. But now in the light of the boardwalk we were given new shame. As we got close to the boardwalk I noticed that Austin let go of my hand to scratch his face and never regained it. As the lights of the street fully emerged us I heard a man scream, “Austin!!” and there from the darkness showed presented another Military buddy I recognized from the beach earlier that day. “What are you doing out, I thought you had to work tonight?” the man questioned as he looked at me up and down, “I did but I got out early decided to come out here and see if I saw any of you.” Austin quickly replied. “Hey aren't you the gay kid from the beach today?” the man questioned. I felt my face get red and I felt nervous, was it that obvious I thought to myself. But I thought no worries I was with Austin he would protect me, “Yea he is I keep telling him that I'm not interested and that I'm going to kick his ass if he doesn't leave me alone.” Austin replied he then pushes me to the ground, “Get out of here fuckin faggot!” as I fell to the ground I looked up at him confused, ashamed and scared. I could feel the tears coming. I quickly sat up and began to run away after all there were two of them and one of me. As I turned back I could see them laughing and yelling, “ you better run faggot!” I couldn't help it anymore I felt as though I was holding rocks in my throat from trying to hold back the tears. I ran home crying and as I stopped at the door before going inside I looked at Austin's jacket that I still had wrapped around me, the jacket that once felt as though protection from the world had suddenly become my scarlet letter.