Poetry in Motion

      As I stumbled out of the room zipping up my fly and reaching for the wall to hold me up i remember having an inner monologue, “What just happened? how long was i asleep? who were those guy? were there more? And oh God i’m so thirsty!!” as I hung to the railing of the stair case as I slowly walked down the stairs i grabbed my ass, still being a “gay virgin” i exhaled a sigh of relief knowing i was still a virgin and my ass was still in tact. As I got closer to the main floor of the party i could feel the base of the music as it vibrated through my weak and drunk violated body. The air was hot and had a smell of musk that reeked of hot bodies, body spray, cologne, and desperation of everyone searching for the one person to take home that night that would make them feel important if only for the night. I was desperate for a whole other reason that night, I was desperately searching for my friends to get me out of there. As I searched through the waves of people i finally saw my friend Erica, as i flagged her down i suddenly felt dizzy maybe from the heat or dehydration. I sat on the bottom step of the stairs as i turned and saw my two un-welcomed private party guests watching down on me. They were like vulchers looking down at there next meal waiting on any sign of weakness to attack. Looking up at them and back at Erica and the realization as to what had just happened i felt completely disgusted and began to vomit, luckily there was a potted plat near by that i was able to release into. The last thing i needed was the hoards of people swarming around me pointing and laughing at the fact that i was too drunk to function. It was not my proudest moment. As Erica got closer i saw the look of worry in her face, “Where were you? i was looking for you everywhere. Lets get out of here this is the worst frat party i have ever been to. I got my ass grabbed one to many times, and some fat fuck tried to stick his finger in my pussy as i tried to get a beer from the Keg. I knew this skirt was to fucking short.” Thats what i loved about Erica she was just like a bulldog but a super pretty one. At one glance she looked like a prissy girly girl but when she opened her mouth it was like someone opened the door to a conversation that you would hear in a men’s locker room. If the men’s locker room happened to be in prison in between a shankings.

      Erica led me to her car as she kept complaining about her night, little did she know i also had a less then desirable night. The whole ride home as she talked about the exploitation women go trough every time they go to parties, while she put her coat over her skirt that was so short when she sat down i could see her lacey underwear. Her chatter faded into the background as i watched the city lights pass as i lowered the window. I felt the night air graze against my unshaven face the cold night air felt like a welcoming stranger. I looked up into the stars and lost myself in their constellations. As a kid i use to climb on the roof of my house partly to get away from the screaming and fighting of my parents. I would stare at the stars for hours, making wishes to escape far, far away.These familiar stars that once embodied my dreams, my hopes and my wishes were now lighting my way to the place i tried so hard to escape. they were leading me home. Granted it was a different home but none the less a self made prison of shame and memories that would not die of Austin.

      I decided to once again forget about the craziness of the whole frat party by throwing myself into school work and classes, it was a self preservation tactic i was becoming familiar with which was deny, deny,deny until you forget. It was the beginning of my second semester in college i was sitting in my English class that i had be wait listed in, so in a desperate attempt to get into the class i decided to show up early to talk to the instructor to plead my case on as to why he should let me in. “Many students drop out of the class within the first week, so feel free to sit in and wait and see if anyone drops out.” he said to me. luckily he was right within the first couple of days students started to drop like flies. Within the first 2 weeks our first assignment was presented to us, we were to write a heartfelt poem, style of our choice that signified a hardship we had to overcome. This poem was to highlight our passion for writing and also give the instructor insight to our writing technique. My “Technique” i thought to myself, i had no technique it was hard enough for me to pull a rose’s are red violets are blue poem together let alone give any kind of insight on my “technique”. The day of the presentation as i clutched my un polished high school at best poem to my body and presented to the class a brief poem on moving from a small town to the city called, “little boy lost” a collective silence washed over the entire classroom. As the professor cleared his throat and called the next student to the podium i hung my head in shame and took a seat. As i sat at my desk humiliated and feeling defeated, i lifted my head to a strong and powerful voice. I looked up and there stood a tall handsome young man by the name of Sean. Sean stood about 5'11 dark brown hair almost black with hazel eyes, he had a muscular chest with nice arms and a half sleave tattoo that poked out of the bottom of his short sleeved shirt. His Poem was amazing, i felt as though he was expressing everything i wish i could have said. The poem was heartfelt, full of pain, loss, faith, and growth. He read his poem with such conviction, that even he began to get emotional mid read. I felt completely and utterly drawn to Sean i had to know him. After class i slowly got my things together as he talked to the professor trying to “bump” into him as we walked out together.

      As i walked out Sean followed. i could hear his footsteps behind me as i walked down the hallway. I turned and said, “Your poem was really good.” i said with a school boy smile. “Hey thanks man, yours was good too.” he said with a smile also. “You think so? i dunno i think it was a little too cookie cutter, i think i need to be more free with my writing” as i stopped in the hallway and turned to him. “It was a little young but you will get better. a cute guy like you i’m sure has a lot more to write about.” he said as he smiled. As soon as he said i was cute i suddenly got a big smile across my face and thought to myself YES!!! he is gay. “Here” he said as he wrote an address on a sheet of paper and tore it out of his binder. “This is a coffee place that does poetry readings on Wednesdays around 7:00pm a lot of local armatures’s go and premiere there material, you should go and get the idea and maybe it will help. I go every week.” I could not believe it he was a modern day beatnik. As i took the address he held on to the other half and said, “I really hope i see you there, maybe we can get you found, little boy lost.” i smiled and leaned against the wall as he walked away, i clutched my binder against my chest with the address in one hand as i watched him walk away. I had a big smile and thought to myself, was this a date? if it was a date he would have said it was a date. This was just an open invitation, don’t get over excited i thought to myself. as i bit the edge of my binder still watching him walk away he turned and waived. At that moment i said silently screamed to myself and thought this is SOOOO a date....

      Wednesday was right around the corner, and i had no idea what to wear to a poetry reading/date. I wanted Sean to think i belonged to this world of coffee drinking, poetry reading love and peace making crowd. So i did what anyone would do, i googled what the appropriate attire was for beatniks was. I showed up early to get a seat and scope out the scene. As i looked around i noticed that i was the only one dressed in what google had suggested to be the proper attire, I was wearing black jeans, a black turtle neck and a black beret, i looked like a gay French burglar. Felling out of place and like a complete fool i stood up to leave, as i was walking to my car i heard Sean scream my name, i quickly pulled off my beret and turned to look at him, “Hey were are you going the poetry is about to start, what are you wearing?” as i looked down at myself i in a state of panic told him i could not stay due to a conflicting funeral i had to attend. Sean feeling like i was lying asked, “Are you sure? you can’t stay just for a bit” as i looked up at him and his half smile i said, “well i guess i can stay for a little bit, i mean its just the wake right now.” now that i think back at that i must have looked and seemed like an idiot. As we walked into the coffee shop Sean gestured to a girl and said, “Manuel i would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, this is Nicole.”

     Nicole..... what could i say about Nicole? Nicole was a beautiful girl with chestnut colored hair, that laid past her shoulders. Nicole had big brown eyes you could sink deep into, she always smelled of apples, i was convinced it was her shampoo as i inhaled deep once we hugged. “I’it’s so good to meet you, Sean always talks about you, nice to put face to a name.” does he? we only really formally met one time i thought to myself. I politely smiled. Who is this perky bitch? i thought to myself. “Nice to meet you also... Sean talks about you all the time too.” i said. as i smiled politely back at Sean, how the fuck was i to know if he talked about her, Fuck i just met this guy 2 days ago i thought to myself. “Come sit next to me, i have our seats reserved here in the front.” as i followed Nicole to he front of the stage i noticed as the audience watched on, I felt important in a weird way. The attention was like a drug a mysterious danger that clung to my unexperienced soul. The weeks past and i began to meet Nicole and Sean on a weekly basis at the Coffee shop where the 3 of us had become a local Celebrity trio. Every night Sean’s poems were more and more erotic and full of undiscovered physical longing. On the night that everything changed Sean had just finished reciting a poem that was entitled, “forbidden desire”. i remember it fondly due to the fact that it was the first time i remembered him reciting a poem where i felt he was talking directly to me. After the poetry session Nicole and Sean both approached me as i was walking to my car. As i turned to say goodnight, Sean reached for my hand and said, “Manuel me and Nicole both think your really hot, do you want to stay at our place tonight?” as i looked at Sean then Back at Nicole i cleared my throat and said... “For like a sleep over or something?” again coming from a small town i knew nothing of group sex let alone group relationships. Nicole grabbed my other hand and said, “Kind of.” she kissed my hand and glided it down her chest. As i stood there i looked at Sean then back at Nicole and thought to myself, what the Fuck is going on? i was to young and inexperienced to deal with whatever they were trying to accomplish. i could feel my heart beating faster and faster. As i looked down at her chest i began to lick my lips, Nicole got closer and pressed her chest against mine which pressed my body against my cold steal car and kissed me, then Sean leaned in while grabbing my other hand pressed it against his jeans on top of his Penis and began to kiss my neck. This was the most erotic thing my small town boy mentality had ever come across. There in a dim lit alley way next to a coffee shop i had my first 3way kiss along with some mild petting, that night i went home with the both of them. The whole drive to their apartment i kep thinking, what are you doing... go home.. but the draw of these two was too strong to resist. As i entered their apartment in a meek and shy way i walked in as though i was being snuck into a high school girls parents house. Nicole went straight to her bedroom as i sat on the sofa. “Do you want something to drink, we have soda, water and budlight” Sean asked. “No, im fine.” i nervously replied. “your poem was really good tonight. it was so powerful i felt like it was talking directly to me.” i said in a awkward fashion. “Good i’m glad you liked it. i did have you in mind when i wrote it.” Sean whispered to me as he sat on the sofa next to me while placing his hand on my knee while taking a sip of his beer. As Sean started to inch closer to me the bedroom door swung open and in the doorway stood Nicole completely naked with a silk pink bathrobe that looked about 2 years old open, “Well boys you coming to bed?” I looked at Sean then back at Nicole, Sean Whispered, “You ready?” i thought to myself, Was i? was i really ready for this kind of life? Sean stood up in front of me with his hand extended as i took his hand i thought to myself, “Dam i should have got that beer.”That night was filled with awkward hand placements and misguided hip thrusts. Sean and i never made contact. the whole night was about pleasing Nicole. I felt as though i was asking for passage into the forbidden land from an unforgiving queen the entire night. The next morning in the light of day everything seemed different. the sun had brought out the truth there was nowhere to hide and nowhere to escape. as i looked to my left was there was Nicole my acceptance into society, and to my right my hearts content, where would i fit in? i thought to myself..... somewhere in the middle, i thought to myself as i pulled the sheets over my head.

Ghosts of the Past

     A sudden wind spun from the waves of the ocean and slammed against the shutters of my bedroom window, waking me from my heart broken comma. As I tried to open my eyes but found it difficult due to the fact that my eye lashes and lids seemed to be sealed shut from the dry tears that comforted me the night before. I stood up walked to the window and gazed out at my view. The same view that a couple of days before was my salvation and my new beginning now seemed to be my prison of which I felt I could never escape. My crime was my sexuality, my warden was in the form of Austin and my sentence was life. As I staggered to the living room I came across Martha as she was leaving for the day. “Morning, somebody got in late last night, did you have fun with your new friends?” I quietly poured, myself some coffee and walked to the sofa without making eye contact, “It was ok.”I took a quick sip instantly burning my lip I closed my eyes then quickly looked down at my feet. I felt as though if she were to see my eyes she would see the pain and humiliation as I knew my own mother would. “Well thats good, I'm sure you guys will have a lot more fun. I gotta go but can you make sure to pick up the kids from summer school at 3?” Still not looking at her I replied, “yea, of course.” with that she shut the door and was gone.

     I sat on that sofa for hours going over the steps of the prior night. I re-evaluated everything 3 to 4 times trying to figure out if I had missed anything, there was nothing but the lingering feelings of shame and his kiss on my lips. I decided to call my mom beside my better judgment I just needed that familiar voice that would still make me feel somewhat alive and like I mattered. As the phone rang I thought to myself did I make a mistake? But it was to late, “Hello? Hello? Who's this?” the familiar voice was enough to make me start crying all over again, I took a deep breath and a gulp and said, “Hi mom, what are you doing? How is everyone?” As I put my hand over the receiver and quietly let out a silent cry and let the tears fall from my face. “OH!!! Chaparro, everyone is good, but how are you?tell me everything, have you made any friends?” the optimism in her voice made it even harder to express how I really felt. The only thing I could manage to say was lies, the comfort of a fool, “I'm good mom, everyone is so nice here I have made a lot of friends, I'm actually about to meet some friends by the beach but wanted to say a quick hi, I miss you guys so much.” I again covered the phone while I set out another cry as I pretended to clear my throat as I got back on the line. “What's wrong?” my mother questioned. “What? Nothing what do you mean?” a sudden rush flustered me. I felt a sudden rush of blood as it made its way to my head causing me to get hot and sweat. It was a mixture of embarrassment and guilt that suddenly rushed over me. “I know when something is wrong, I can feel it. What's wrong?” I quickly went into damage control assuring her that everything was fine. She reluctantly accepted my excuses for sounding weird to being tired and being in a rush to meet “my friends”. As we hung up the phone I began to think that I couldn't let this one occurrence with Austin bring me down I had to pick myself up and get on with my life. So I stood up, picked up the broken pieces of my heart and got dressed. That day I began to look at things a little different. I began to think that not everything had a storybook ending but that didn't mean I couldn't make my life an interesting read.

     As the months went on I got a job was enrolled in college and was getting my life together little by little. Austin had become an accident in my past, a mistake a moment of vulnerability to a young impressionable teen. He was a ghost of my past, until that ghost became a reality when I ran into him at a local movie theater. He was on a date with a pretty girl and I was with Martha. I had just got back from the lobby with my large bag of popcorn and soda, I turned to make sure I was going to sit in my seat when I spotted him whispering in his dates ear. I thought to myself It was not so long ago that he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I felt my face get hot and cold all at the same time. We locked eyes as I sat down and I quickly turned around. Martha mumbled something. I couldn't make out what she had said, “Sorry, what?” she looked around us, “I said, what's wrong?” “Oh nothing I forgot napkins, I will be right back.” I stood up making my way through the many legs to the hallway I felt as though my throat was closing in on me, I couldn't breath the walls were closing in and I needed to escape. I burst through the doors and I felt nothing but anger at that point. It was as if it was my personal theater and he had showed up to piss all over it. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I wanted to scream and yell but didn't understand why. I had let it go a long time ago. I sat on the sofa outside the theater door. Suddenly the door swung open and who was there but mister wonderful him self. I might have came to the movies to watch, “The Others” but I was dealing with my own ghosts now. As he approached me my heart began to beat faster and faster, “I know you must be really mad and confused Manuel but let me explain.” he began to say. “Honestly Austin save it, nothing you can say would make up for what you and your buddy did to me. I was humiliated and treated like shit all because you couldn't stand up to some nobody and tell him what you really were.” I began to notice that my tone was getting a little to high and not wanting to cause a scene quickly lowered it as I looked around. “Thats not it Manuel you have to understand with my rank in the military if anything came out I could be discharged. You have no idea what kind of pressure that puts on me. I really do wish I could be with you but at this time it doesn't look like that can happen.” and just when I thought I could write him off as an asshole he made the one statement that I always think back on he looked at me dead in my eyes and said, “I really did like you.” as I looked at him I could feel that he really did but his situation prohibited him from actually being able to act on it. as he got closer and reached out to me to give me a hug I stood there with my arms crossed in front of my chest. I knew I should have been furious and should have kicked him in his balls but at that time the past and my anger seemed to fade and all I could focus on was that in this moment in time he was hugging me in public. His big arms were once again wrapped around me. An embrace that I had forgotten but still seemed so familiar. The movie theater next to us let out and as the crowds entered the lobby Austin quickly released me from our embrace at that moment I realized that I would never be nothing more then a secret forever in the shadows something I refused to be. I care about him but I cared about myself more and refused to be his secret love. So I lost myself in the crowed and made my way back to the door of our theater as I turned back and caught a glimpse of Austin as he searched through the crowds of people. It hit me he might have been searching for me but I had already found myself or at least was on the right path of finding who I was to become and what I would never become which was a secret. I made my way back to me seat, “Where are the napkins?” Martha asked. “Oh they were out, what did I miss?” when the movie was over Martha and I made our way though the lobby as I looked back and saw Austin and his date hand in hand she rested her head on his arm as he towered over her. He didn't notice me as I watched him brush her bangs to the side and kiss her. I began to smile Martha asked, “What's wrong? You know him?” as I turned and sighed, “No, no I don't, he looked like someone I thought I knew.” some ghosts might haunt us forever and then there are those that fade into the distance and become nothing more then an memory its up to us to choose if they will hold us back or if we will use them as a catapult to push us forward. I choose to go forward.

     As the weeks past I had become more and more independent, school and work was going great I had made new friends and was at the very forefront of the peak of my college experience. I had attended a couple of parties and had just been invited to my very first frat party. After the whole Austin situation I decided to push my sexuality down and not think about it as much and just live life. And it was working until the night of the frat party. I had drank to much and remember being helped upstairs to one of the rooms by a group of fraternity brothers left on one of the beds to sober up. I fell into a deep sleep, next thing I remember is waking up to a sensation I had not felt in a long time. As I opened my eyes I heard the base of the music in the distance, I looked down and saw my pants around my ankles and my limp dick being worked on while in a guys mouth. I grabbed him by the hair on the back of his head and lifted his head to see who it was, “What are you doing?!!! who are you?!!” I yelled as I jumped to my feet and put my pants on. “It's cool man, it's cool” he kept saying “No, no its not cool!!” as I started to walk out I heard another guy come out of the bathroom as he said, “Oh, party's over?” as I leaned over and threw up everywhere. Apparently while I was passed out I had been a human blow pop for these frat boys... And this my friends was my first gay experience.

An Officer and a Gentalmen

      As the morning light beamed through the cracked window shades waking me from my sleep. I sat up from my small twin sized bed that I had claimed the night before when we arrived at Martha's apartment. As I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes it suddenly hit me, I was on my own. A sudden feeling of horror and nervousness overwhelmed me. I looked around at my strange surroundings seeing all the toys and clothes laying on the ground of Martha's son's bedroom. I walked to the kitchen grabbed a coffee mug. On the mug it had a cat holding on for its life and the caption read, “Hang in there”. I walked out to balcony and watched people as they ran on the beach. It was so quiet and peaceful. I sat there in my pajama pants and a muscle shirt, my hair disheveled with just enough product to have it completely smashed on one side. The early morning mist from the ocean washed over me, in a way cleansing me as if it was washing away my past and giving me a whole new beginning. If only it was that easy. I sat there in the early morning light and cried for my mom, sister, brother and yes even my father. I missed them so much. After all even though I was 18 I was still a child away from home for the first time. I looked down at the beach and spotted a father walking hand in hand with his young son. It seemed so alien to me, all my life I longed for that closeness with my father. Yes my father was stern with me and many times just cruel but he was the only father I ever had. And most important the only father that ever wanted me. You see my father adopted me at a very young age. I was in the 3^rd grade when my new life began and was given a new name.
      My biological father was a stranger to me, my mother and I left him when I was very young, a baby still. He was an abusive drug dealer and user. A combination that was never good. Our escape would be harder then what my mother had anticipated. Being my father's only son he had felt compelled to keep me as close to him as possible. I was his property and I was a non negotiable item. My mother on the other hand was free to go anytime. A routine visit to our relatives house in Blythe had turned into a mission of survival. We went into hiding my mother aggressively negotiating to never go back to the arms of my abusive father while my grandfather on my fathers side was the mediator. At one point my Father grabs me and threatens to run away with me and make sure that my mother never saw me again. My grandfather who I always remember as being a kind man intervened and pulled me from my father's arms and gave me to my mother. My grandfather knew what kind of a son he had and knew what was the best for his grandson so he did what was best for me and sent me away with my mother. I will always be grateful to him for that.

       As the years progressed my biological father who I misguidedly called dad left me with many memories none of which were good. I remember being very young and getting calls from him telling me that he was on his way to pick me up for the weekends. I remember jumping off the counter and running to my room as fast as I could as if he was down the street and didn't want to keep him waiting. I would pull out my little blue suite case and filled it with toys and clothes. My mom would stand at the door frame of my room and ask in a low calm voice, “What are you doing chapparo” a nick name that I was given since birth in English it means “shorty”. I would always turn around and say, “My dad is coming to pick me up, and we are going to Disneyland and we are going to ride motorcycles and he is taking me on his airplane...” the list would go on and on with the things we were going to do but never did. I never really understood why he would call. He never showed up but every weekend he would make the same promises and every weekend I was filled with the same excitement. As I would drag my suite case off my bed due to it being so heavy I would walk past my mom in the hall she was always so sad. Eyes filled with tears I would always reassure her, “Don't worry mom I will be back.” I would drag my suite case to the edge of the street. Where I would sit on the edge of the sidewalk. Always fashionable wearing shorts, a he-man t-shirt and knee high tube socks. I remember my cousins would always ride by in bikes and I would jump up and yell, “Hi guys, I can't play today my dad is picking me up and we are going to have fun all weekend.” my mom would come out with a tooth brush, “You forgot this, I know your going to be having fun but you can't forget to brush your teeth”. “ thank you momma” as I opened my suite case and placed my tooth brush inside. My mom would always ask. “Can I sit down and wait with you?” as I looked up at her, “Yes momma but my dad is going to be here soon he is really coming this time, he is just buying me a present because he is sorry he is a little late” my mom would sigh and sit down pull me close against her and say, “Oh yea? What is he buying you?” before I knew it I was yawning and describing all the things my dad was going to buy me things of course I had made up in my mind, that my perfect father was bringing me before I knew it I was in her lap fast asleep. I would always wake up the next morning in my own bed. I could only image how hard it must have been for my mother to have me looking forward to my father picking me up and the disappointment I had faced with every time he never showed up. I remember always hearing my mother yell at him over the phone screaming, “If your not going to come don't say your coming, do you know what that does to him? Do you even care?” as I played with my he-man greyscull tower of doom. I felt as though I was not important and that was never made more clear until the day I was introduced to my half brother who had my same exact name. Yes you read this correct my father had replaced me in every sense of the word he named my half brother my first and last name. Shortly after that is when my step father legally adopted me and changed my name to what it is today. All the memories of my past flooded over me much like the waves that crashed onto the rocks down below on the beach. But I couldn't help but think that was in the past and now I was at the cusp of a new beginning and finally being able to forget the past. Blythe felt a world away and with that I found comfort, I felt that I could really find myself and find why I always felt different isn't that what college is all about? Self discovery. The chance to explore who I really was in a consensual sense would present itself sooner then I though. During the summer of 2001 a lot of things happened. I moved away from Blythe the only home I had ever known and I also found a new home and comfort in the arms of a man who made me feel like a stranger to myself.

       The summer of 2001 had just began, it was the beginning weeks when the day air was hot and the nights were left with the lingering musk of that day. On one summer day I decided to take in the sun and lay out on the beach. Martha living so close I decided to walk and become familiar with my new neighborhood. It was not a particularly busy day at the beach. There were scattered people all over the place, much like high school. There were a group of jocks huddled together on one end, a group of misfits, the pretty people on one side and the ones that were obviously not sure on what to do scattered all around. I found solace in the fact that I was not the only one that was out of place. I laid out my towel took off my shirt rubbed on my sunscreen. I laid back with my sunglasses on and pressed play on my cd player, as No Doubt began to play. After awhile there was a sudden eclipse, I opened my eyes and there stood one of the hottest guys I had ever seen. He toward over me his head was buzzed cut but you could see that his hair was a light brown or blond due to the stubble. He had broad shoulders and the most perfect chest and arms I had ever seen, that is outside of an action hero movie. All I heard was muffled noise I took off my sunglasses and headphones and looked around as if I had been sitting in his seat or to see if he was possibly talking to someone around me. “I said, are you from here?” he repeated himself I quickly lifted my hand to block the sunlight that was blindingly reflecting off his dog tags that hung from his neck. Still I said nothing, “Me and some buddies are stationed here at camp Pendleton and were looking for some cool places to hang out at, we were just talking to some locals to find out what there was to do here.” camp Pendleton was a military base not to far from the beach, I still said nothing, at this point I'm sure he thought I had some sort of learning disability. “Ok well sorry to have bothered you.” he began to walk away. I cleared my throat, “I'm not from here.” I yelled out as if I had been some sort of prisoner of war torchard to give up top secret information. “Oh, I'm sorry I thought you lived here, well do you know any place to go out around here?” I nervously started to gather my things as if I had been caught trying to smuggle narcotics over the state line. “No, sorry I just moved here. I don't even know anyone.” he picked up my water bottle and handed it to me, “Thank you” I replied as he stood there glistening from the beads of sweat that his body produced from the heat. “No problem, my name is Austin and a couple of buddies are meeting up here later on if you want to hang out with us, maybe we can all find something fun to do.” I looked up at his kind eyes that were as blue as the ocean and the whitest smile I had ever seen and thought to myself how nice he was. There was a feeling that seemed to wash over me a feeling of familiarity that I knew him somehow. I felt it down in my bones. There was something about him that I felt was somewhat like myself. I would soon find out what that something way.

        That night I met Austin but surprisingly he was alone. He said that his buddies had met some girls and that he didn't want me to feel as though I had been dissed. That night as we walked along the beach for hours, Austin expressed his dreams, goals and fears I found our connection to be even stronger. This military man had the ability to express everything I wished I could. When I would talk he actually listened. He made me feel as though I was the most important person in the world and that what I said and felt mattered. Which was what I had been looking for all along. As the night came to an end it hit me Austin was a gay man, a gay military man, a Gay military man who found interest in me. That was the connection, we were both hiding the one thing from the world what we wished we could express the most. He never vocally said it but I knew from the way he made me feel. As the night air became a little colder Austin gave me his jacket he wrapped it around me as if he was trying to shelter me from not only the coldness but the world itself. As he zipped up his jacket he pulled me close and it happened, he leaned in and kissed me. It was the most perfect kiss. It was not my first boy kiss, I had been making out with guys all through out high school, most of whom were on the football team. This was different there was no needing to worry about having to avoid him the next day at school or having to deal with the name calling. It was pure and freeing, to be able to be with someone who made you feel special in an open non-threatening manner it seemed like a dream, but like most dreams it came to a sudden stop. As Austin walked me back to the boardwalk, things seemed to change. Before we were hidden from the world in the darkened mist of the night. There were no lights on the beach to expose us, we were just two dark shadows in a romantic embrace. But now in the light of the boardwalk we were given new shame. As we got close to the boardwalk I noticed that Austin let go of my hand to scratch his face and never regained it. As the lights of the street fully emerged us I heard a man scream, “Austin!!” and there from the darkness showed presented another Military buddy I recognized from the beach earlier that day. “What are you doing out, I thought you had to work tonight?” the man questioned as he looked at me up and down, “I did but I got out early decided to come out here and see if I saw any of you.” Austin quickly replied. “Hey aren't you the gay kid from the beach today?” the man questioned. I felt my face get red and I felt nervous, was it that obvious I thought to myself. But I thought no worries I was with Austin he would protect me, “Yea he is I keep telling him that I'm not interested and that I'm going to kick his ass if he doesn't leave me alone.” Austin replied he then pushes me to the ground, “Get out of here fuckin faggot!” as I fell to the ground I looked up at him confused, ashamed and scared. I could feel the tears coming. I quickly sat up and began to run away after all there were two of them and one of me. As I turned back I could see them laughing and yelling, “ you better run faggot!” I couldn't help it anymore I felt as though I was holding rocks in my throat from trying to hold back the tears. I ran home crying and as I stopped at the door before going inside I looked at Austin's jacket that I still had wrapped around me, the jacket that once felt as though protection from the world had suddenly become my scarlet letter.

The Begining

The night air was thick with musk, perfume and a hint of freshly cut grass lingered in the distance on that hot summer night in 2001. I stood in front of what seemed at that time a massive crowd of proud parents, friends and family members. Everyone’s cheers seemed lost in the distance, muffled in a sense. The only thing I could hear clearly was the beating of my own heart as it began to beat faster and faster and the tone of my breath as I exhaled. Then finally my name was called.  I stood up and made my way to the podium. The sound of my classmates screaming seemed odd. Could it be? After all these years of being taunting and teased, had I finally been accepted? But as everything in high school is, it was just a production. Or perhaps it was just the overwhelming feelings of their own demise knowing that they had peaked in high school. I stood in front of my peers nervous with a feeling of uncertainty. The heavy beaming lights from the football field blindingly guided my view.  The lights shined on my green cap and gown which was nicely ironed a couple hours before hand by my meticulous mother. I stood there with my rapidly beating heart, the muffled screams of the crowd holding a bright red balloon in my hand.  The balloon as our principal and graduation coordinator described was a symbol of our past that we were to let go of our childhood and move forward into adult hood. I stood there with my “symbol” in my hand closed my eyes, made a wish and let go. To me my balloon represented much more then coming of age, it represented hope and my escape.

Growing up in a small town had its advantages but it also had its drawbacks.  Our town was so small nobody has ever really known what our population was. We had two major state prisons in driving distance within the town, and the inmates were included into our population count.  I was a small town boy with big city dreams. I was looking for a way out as far back as when I took my first step. My home town is called Blythe those of you who might recognize the name might have stopped by to get gas on your way to somewhere, anywhere else. This town might be small geographically but is big in heart. From an outward glance the town might resemble the town that time forgot or that time stood still for. When you take a closer look you see much more. Yes this tiny town that is unnoticed by the world is where I call home.

I grew up with the same morals and view points as everyone else in my town, that Family was everything and that we should love yet fear God and your mother. But most important, you were supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex. The Problem was that I knew at a very young age that I was diffrent. I also questioned everything which did not go over to well in my home town. I remember being in catechism as a child and being kicked out for coloring Jesus black. My aunt who was the catholic school teacher at the time asked me in front of everyone why I did that? I responded with, “If Jesus was made in our image, why was he only white in every picture I saw I'm not white? Why couldn’t he be black or brown?” as I pointed to my broken brown crayon. I continued with, “And if he did walk the land preaching the good word of his father, wouldn’t he have at least some kind of tan?” my aunt grabbed me by my ear and walked me outside and asked me to go home. I was never asked to come to catechism again. To question anything or to think differently was considered an act of treason and was punishable by disowner ship from the rest of the pact.

The day after graduation I woke up to a banging at my bedroom door, it was my strict and compassionless father.  His idea of a good time was chain smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee and telling me what a disappointment I was. He asked me to meet him in the living room in 10 min. I quickly grabbed some jeans that were tossed on the ground and rushed to meet him. I knew that when he had that certain look he meant business. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes and yawned I quietly mumbled, “Good morning”. He looked at me up and down and said, “Well?” I looked down at my bare feet and back up at him and said, “Well what?” he stared at me with eyes full of anger and said, “You graduated yesterday, you’re officially a man.” Looked at me up and down again, “Or as close as one you will probably ever be. It is the first week of the month. If you want to continue living here you need to pay rent. Which means you need a job.” I couldn’t believe it I had not been out of high school for a full day and already I had bills. “Because I just told you about rent I will give you a grace period of another week to get rent to me before you are charged a late fee.” He smirked. I’m sure in his mind he thought he was doing me a favor.

When my mother woke up I told her about the whole incidence which caused a huge fight. My father was a very stern man. He was never physically abusive but he was verbally abusive towards me which at times I felt was much worse. I was the product of a blended family. My father legally adopted me when I was about 8. My mother thought I needed a male father figure in my life and he was it. My mother’s best friend since high school was down visiting for my graduation; Martha suggested that I move out with her to San Diego. I could help her with her son and look for a job out there. An invitation and a free ride out of this town, there was no need to think about it, I ran to my room and packed my bag.

As I strapped my suite case on the hood of Martha’s old car, I looked back at my mom as she stood there, eyes filled with tears and arms crossed in front of her chest being as tough as always.  I gave her a hug, kissed her cheek and said, “Don’t worry mom I will be fine, I will call you when I get there.”  She grabbed my face and said, “You will be great, I always knew you would leave this town, your dreams were always bigger then this town. Be careful and call me every day.” This came as a huge shock. My mother was never one for showing emotion. In fact at times growing up she was quite cold. She always felt she had to be tough with us. As a child I remember playing outside with my cousins which there were many of, and crying because one of them had called me a distasteful name, A name that would haunt me forever, a name that at the time I found hurtful and full of shame but later I would pull strength from and learn held great power. The name was, “Faggot”. My cousins’ who were a little older would scream at me as I played with my best cousin Monica “Moni”. “Come on Faggot, why are you crying Faggot”. At the time I didn’t know what the word meant but I knew it couldn’t be good from the way that they kept taunting me with it. My mom came out and saw me crying as my cousin Moni stood above me brushing my hair with her palm. “What’s wrong?” my mother asked as she squatted to the ground next to me. “Tia it’s the boys, they keep yelling at him calling him…..You know…that word” Moni said full of anger tough like I wish I could be. My mom stood up as the boys ran away. My mother grabbed me by my forearm and lifted me to my feet. As she brushed my light blue corduroy jeans with the patch on the knees off she looked up at me as I rubbed my eyes and said, “Never let anyone see you cry because that is a sign of weakness. What you are showing people is how to hurt you.” She wiped my dirt stained face off and said, “Now go play, and remember if you ever feel like crying hold it in and when you’re alone in your room then you can cry”. That advice had followed me all through my adolescence and into young adulthood. Later in life I learned the warm companionship of Revenge, which at times could keep you warm in even the coldest nights.

   As we pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street I looked back in the rear view mirror and watched my mom get smaller and smaller, as the tears rolled down my face, I quickly wiped them away I turned to Martha as she said, “Don’t look back. In life the only thing you can do is look ahead, no use dwelling in the past all you have is the present and future”. But I did look back and as my home, my friends, my family vanished my small town life had become nothing but dust in the distance.  As I sat there I thought to myself. I made it. I was free, who knows what my future had in store for me. Would I find a job? Would I find love? Would I find a place in the world for me? Who knew? What was certain was that this was going to be an adventure but it was my adventure, and I couldn’t wait.