Sebastian

Sebastian

            After a week of being home I awoke to the blissful noise of the kitchen faucet as it drenched the dishes in its path, I slid out of my brothers twin bed, not wanting to stand for fear that if I stood up I would be forced to face the day. I crawled on my belly trying to avoid the sun beam and pushed the door shut with my index finger as it made a loud slam. I let out a sigh and tried to spin back around crawling back to the bed which for the past week had become my safe haven. I was half way back in bed when the door was pushed open with great force as I turned back to look one eye half shut, hair half wavy which curled at the ends, missing a sock and ass in mid air there she stood. My mother, she stood in the middle of the door frame as her statuesque body that seemed to command attention with every inch of  her 5'6" small framed body, as if to demand the seriousness of her energy. She stood firm with her arms crossed across her chest, her hair was as dark as winters Cole her eyes as brown as chest nuts which seemed to magnify the light brown freckles across the nose that we both shared and her skin which I had always admired to the flawless nature with its perfect hue of brown, her lips were clenched as she forced the words, "Get out of bed" through her teeth. "I'm not ready" as I said in mid yawn as I slithered back under the sheets. With a swift step the blankets were ripped off of me as I turned to my side with my knees to my chest and yelled, "I'M TIRED!!!! GET OUT!!!" as my mom turned to walk out still holding the sheets she turned and said, "I get it, I understand what it feels like to have the rug pulled from underneath you in mid step." as I sat up and looked at her I could see the hurt in her eyes as she herself being newly separated from my father she too was starting over. "You have to keep walking, you might stumble here and there, the most important thing is to stand back up dust yourself off and never let anyone think they got you down." I turned back in bed and pressed my face against my pillow, "You don't understand mom." as I let the tears slide down my face.  How I wanted to tell her everything but I couldn't I was so ashamed and confused about the whole situation. I thought college would magically turn me into an adult but I failed to realize that with an adult life came adult problems. "Well I'm here whenever you want to talk." as I still had my back turned to her I could feel the warmth of her hand as it hovered over my back but she never made contact. I feel as though she wanted to show me comfort but struggled to in which she didn't know how. I could hear her picking up my clothes off the floor as she quietly exited the room which was a big difference from when she first entered demanding to be seen she now wanted everything but to be seen. As I sat up I looked out the window wiped my tears out of my newly woken eyes and watched my little brother go higher and higher in the swing and thought to myself how I wanted to go back to simpler time. I watched him push himself out of the swing seat and land on the ground on his knees he underestimated the height that he was at as he began to cry, I could hear my mom yell, "Maybe you should go higher next time."  which made me smile.

            My mom was not a traditional mother that coddled her children. My mother raised us with a stern hand. We were raised to the idea that children should be seen but never heard. We were always well dressed and clean never a dirty spot on our clothes. If we were hurt we were never to cry in the presence of anyone because to quote my mother, "If someone hurts you and you cry they will always know where they could hurt you and will use your weakness to continuously beat you." I remember being young and holding in my cries all day from bullies at school and coming home and going to my bedroom and crying because to cry in front of my mother was not only a sign of weakness it was also a sign of defeat. If we were even in a fight at school my mother had a very clear rule, "Make sure you win, because if you fight in school and you lose not only will you have gotten your ass beat in school but I will beat your ass when you get home." I always made sure to win. I grew up very strict and even though we didn't have the physical affection of love like a hug and or a kiss we knew we were loved and that my mother would do anything for us, she was always our savior and our biggest ally. We were raised to think logically and to meticulously choose every move we made and consider every counter effect that might result in our actions. Which is why I found it so difficult to come out at this particular time in my life. This was before it was considered hip and cool or trendy to be gay there was still a real danger of being gay in society at this point in time. I had to choose my next move carefully, I knew that my next move had to be to continue school. It was the only thing I had at the time that seemed to please everyone. I had promised my grandfather I would finish college and I was set on making him proud of me. As I walked out past all the baby pictures of us in the hallway and the grandfather clock that seemed to tick louder than the chime itself, I watched my mother look out the window at my brother on the swing set. I sat down at the table, "I heard him cry. Is he ok?" I asked in a soft spoken voice. My mother looked back at me then back at my brother, "Yea he is ok, you know him he is a little daredevil. He is the toughest kid I know. I'm going to have my hands full with that one. he's isn't scared of anything... look at him he is hanging upside down on that tree now." I cleared my throat. "I have been thinking, and I think I'm going to enroll in the community college here, what do you think? I was thinking that I could get my AA here until I decide what my next move should be." My mom took a moment and look back at me and said, "I think that's a great idea." as she smiled this warm feeling rushed over my body, it was as if I was searching for her approval the entire time and I felt incomplete until that very moment. 

            The next couple of months I emerged myself in school work continuing the perception of the perfect student that I had at this point became the personification of. Around this time there was a newly popular social networking boom that hit teens and young adults with a great force of intrigue and fascination.  Yes before Facebook, Instagram and Eharmony there was a social networking site called MySpace. This was a social meeting place everyone could create and customize a page to their personality and reach out to people they have never met to create a connection or connect with lost friends. I being a young adult of sorts used this site as most did which was as a speed dating site. Now it was not only to meet guys I used it to post videos of my favorite songs and create a top 10 friends lists. Now I bring this up to shed light on the real reason why this site was so important. It was where I first met SEBASTIAN, behind the veil of cyber space I reached out to this really cute guy who's default picture was of him wearing a blue bandana that was folded across his forehead and on top of that bandana he wore a black hat. My very own Miklo (Blood in Blood out character) Now I know what you must be thinking, "Why would anyone think that was attractive?" but he was... and continues to be so. I was obsessed with him. He was my everything at that time.

            Sebastian lived in Las Vegas which was about 4 hours from Blythe and we would talk every day.  He was my escape from my day to day life and soon he held me captive with his calls, his voice and eventually his arms. I felt completely trapped by him I was his willing captive a participating slave and it felt amazing to feel completely owned to someone I felt as though I was his and he was mine. My very own, my beloved. I felt understood and accepted which could be a more addicting drug then air itself. He was my breath and my will to survive.  It was amazing to find someone who was so comfortable with being gay which for me at that time was such a struggle. Sebastian or Bastian which he was more commonly known as was a genetic phenomenon not only was he beautiful he was undeniably a gift....a gift from GOD or whatever deity you happened to believe in and if there was nothing you believed in Bastian had a way of making you believe in not only yourself but the possibility that there was a higher power, due to the fact that this man could not have been placed here by mistake. He was soft spoken but every breath seemed to glide and dance across the wind and into your ears and every word seemed to be more important than the last. He had an essence about him that made you want to know him more in any capacity that he would allow you in. he was 5'10 and worth every inch I myself only being 5'8 seemed to feel so small in comparison but then again I never felt so protected until I was around him...his hugs seemed to consume you, engulf every inch of every self doubt that you might have had about yourself. His eyes were as blue as a clear sky on an Easter Sunday....I could always find myself in those baby blues, whenever the world seemed dark or unbearable. I knew at the end of the day those eyes could bring me home, I felt safe and comforted by those arms that I seemed to later in life not only search but yearn for . His dirty blonde, brown hair meticulously placed, every strand had a home everything so organized and as perfect as he was. But with the sweets came the sour, or  what I would eventually learn was that not even a strong, perfect man could fix a scared, broken boy.

 

An Unexpected Homecoming

An Unexpected Homecoming -

            Darkness, confusion, I had reached a breaking point. Even though my break away from Nicole and Sean had seemed effortless and easy and with the last word that I so dramatically exited with I was tossed into a situation where I for the first time was in complete control of  my life and who I was, not who I was expected to be and who I was supposed to be for someone else and to be honest it terrified me. I had been raised to be the perfect son who never spoke back who did as he was told, when he was told. The forever obedient son, who transitioned to the perfect student, the loyal friend and the trail blazer of the family who was the first of his entire family to attend college. On paper I was the picture of everything a young man in his 20's was supposed to be, but who was Manuel? Manuel was a young man gasping, clawing and desperate for air. Manuel couldn't breathe Manuel was slowly becoming unraveled Manuel was trying to break free. I might have left Nicole and Sean that night but the baggage of who I was, who I really was clung to me like a scarf on a windy day, a scarf that tightened around my neck with every step silencing my true self.

            During this time I had become very comfortable with the middle the grey area between not fully out and yet not completely straight. I used humor a lot to give people a glimpse of who I was. I found comfort in the confusion of an onlooker to my life which in that time from feeling alone with nobody to confide in I enjoyed the company. Humor became a warm blanket of protection to me. If  I ever felt attacked or made to feel less than, I would spin it into a joke to make myself feel comfortable. A cleaver technique that I still use to this day. My reason behind it was that if I ever felt as though I was not in control that by telling a joke I was all of a sudden the leader and could guide the conversation to where I felt conformable the old adage they are not laughing at you if they are laughing with you. Humor was not always my savior, I learned at a young age that sex or the idea of sex could be used as a strong driving force of  manipulation men and women could be guided to do your bidding with something as simple as an adjustment. The gentle glide of your hand around the collar of a man's shirt looking into his eyes with a small smile was enough to give a glimpse of intent or an unspoken fantasy where for a moment he had a chance with you and just like that he was yours. For woman it was a bit harder I spent hours listening to women in college talk about their boyfriends and how they never noticed simple things so I too began to compliment women on the change of their hairstyle, color, weight loss, makeup, outfits and the occasional "you look beautiful today" with a simple acknowledgement I was in, because at the end of the day women and men wanted what I was striving for...to be seen.  

            In my desperation to be seen I had started to become undone. I was striving for someone ANYONE to see me for who I was and more important for them to give me approval that it was ok to be gay. I began to drink in excess to the point where one night in a drunken misunderstanding took the kind words of a friend a little too far. In the desperation to be seen I crossed a boundary with a "straight" friend and leaned in for an unwelcomed kiss. Humiliated and feeling embarrassed I stumbled to bed where I wanted to die. The next day to my surprise the friend had spun the act of a simple kiss into something even more horrible to my roommates. These girls I had known my entire life had now began to look at me with disgust and betrayal. I was quickly voted off the Island without even given the opportunity to explain my side. This to me was probably the biggest devastation to my young adult life. I felt completely alone and even more confused. I was asked to move out that same night. As I packed my things I could feel my tears roll down my face and wanted to scream I'M GAY!! I might have made a mistake by trying to kiss him and for that I am sorry but in that moment I felt as though that the act of a drunken misunderstanding of a kiss might have not been the problem that the problem actually might have been the realization that their long time friend might be gay and that it was something that neither of them were ready to deal with. I was alone again in a time where I felt I could not be accepted for who I was. Many years later one of those roommates and I would reconcile and I love her as much as I ever have. To describe her is as difficult as to describe a sunset, the moon, the stars, or the wind she is as unique and as majestic as each and a beauty that is undeniably the best the world has ever known. Her beauty is magnified by her equally as beautiful soul. and I am proud to still be able to call her friend, an ally, and my Hawaiian luva. My other roommate I never heard from again and to be honest I think it was for the best. I think I was most hurt by her dismissal I had known her since the 5th grade. I believe out of everyone she would have known my heart. Since then I have come to terms with the idea that sometimes some people have to exit your life so that new people can come and help you to continue to grow. This is what I feel she was, she was a stepping stool for me to achieve a better more confident self. How can we truly grow and strive for better if who we surround ourselves with depend on us being mediocre. I have reached out to her many times to try and rekindle some type of friendship and have always been ignored which is fine. I wish her the best in life as to which I continue to live my life free to be myself.

            As I left the comfort of San Diego my mom questioned what my fall out with my friends was about but I couldn't bring myself to let her in not just yet. I was still ashamed and confused by the whole situation. We made our 4 hour trip back to the town that for the longest time was my prison. As I sat in that car I began to get anxiety. How I dreaded the feel of my hometown. The dry, hot air as it burned across my face, the constant mirage that seemed to be a permanent fixture in the distance of an idea, an illusion of what your life could be outside the city limits of Blythe. How I loathed this city. To me my return was just another suppression of who I was meant to be. Many times I wanted to throw myself from the moving car. My mom leaned over and said, "As much as you hate this town its part of who you are. You will forever be linked to this place. It will and forever be your home." As I sat up in the car as we drove into town,  I looked around at the desolate city it was as if time had stood still, it was the town time had forgotten, nothing had changed. Maybe my mom was right I was forever linked to this town like a chain clutched around my ankle. I remember a quote once that said, "Home is where the heart is." I looked over at my mom and smiled, "Well" I thought to myself there is my heart so I guess this is where my home is. It seemed like she was the only one happy to see me home again. As we stopped at the stop light at the intersection of the only main road in our home town I saw a woman a who seemed to be very frail, sunburn, hair a mess and clothes seemed tattered. As she crossed in front of us a little girl poked her head out of the blanket that was covering the stroller she was pushing and she waved at us. My mom grabbed my hand and as she held it said, "Take all the time you need to get back on your feet here, but leave as soon as you can." I looked back at the woman as she got the other side of the street and thought, Home might be where the heart is but I guess it's also true when they say you can never go home again. I knew I would forever be chained to this town but for the next year I would try my hardest to break thru this chain or cut off my foot trying.

The Morning After...

The Morning After

            As I woke hours later I once again looked to my left then to my right. I sat up holding the bed sheet to my chest. As I tried to hide my newly found shame, but from who? there was nobody  in the room. I sat up still clutching the sheet wrapping it around what a couple of hours ago I had un-reluctantly put on display to my classmate and his girlfriend. My body that I once was taught that God had created in his image of perfection had now become a mobile vessel for which to carry my disgrace. As I sat there I could hear the noise of the street. The sun beaming in burning the newly torn flesh on my back that Nicole had carved with her nails. I could hear the clanking of dishes in the distance. The clanking rang as clanking of armor headed to battle. It called out to me, calling, screaming my name as it Rang louder and louder. I stood up suddenly in one quick swoop clutching my sheet against my body. I approached the bedroom door cautiously as if I was trying to sneak out after stealing something. By default I was who was stolen from, it was my innocence that could never be retrieved again. I walked out past the living room and straight to the kitchen not knowing what to expect. Would they ask me to get dressed and leave? or even worse would they ask me to stay? I stood there looking at the happy couple as they had their back to me. Sean looking over poetry notes with one hand and the other rubbing Nicole’s shoulder. Meanwhile Nicole was painting her nails as her legs that a couple of hours ago were wrapped around my waist were now laying over his lap. From the outside they looked like a typical happy couple, but beneath the surface beneath the smiles and pretty words lied the truth. We might have all been sitting or standing very still but if you looked close enough, very closely you would see we were all in motion. we were ALL running.  I was running towards acceptance of any kind and Nicole was running towards the open arms of a man who was running away from his own sexuality. I cautiously  cleared my throat, they both turned around I meekly said,  “Good Morning.” As I looked down at the sheet that covered my body and played coy by pulling at a loose thread that had become unraveled from the lining of the threaded sheet. I thought to myself how close and easily I was from becoming unraveled myself. “Good Morning Manuel, did you sleep ok?” Sean asked as he took a sip of his coffee. In a very casual way. As if I was a weekend guest, not someone who a couple of hours ago had kissed him passionately while he plowed his girlfriend. “Do you want something to eat? are you hungry?” Nicole asked as she stood and walked towards the stove. Always the gracious host even when she wrapped her legs around my waist that night and pulled me closer as I entered her she whispered, “Does that feel ok?” I looked at them both and said, “No, I'm ok I really need to go. I’m really late for....” I stumbled to think of something while still looking at the ground. “a self defense class” I blurted out. They both looked at each other and looked back at me.“Oh um...ok, I guess I will see you Monday?” Sean asked in a confused but forgiving manor.“Sure, have you seen my clothes? I asked still looking at the ground while scanning the floor of their apartment that seemed to be where wicker came to die. everything was made of wicker including their coffee table. “Oh yea I folded it up and placed it in the laundry room let me grab that for you babe.” Nicole playfully said. “Babe” I thought to myself the very word that I had held close to my heart and had gave so much power was now just thrown around as if to say, “would you like any butter?”. I felt ashamed I clutched the blanket tighter around my body, I felt as though if I were to look them in the eyes I would turn to stone. When I was younger I had the same feeling when my cousin Moni and I would play dress up. Moni and I were as close as two kids could be we grew up kids of the 80‘s and early 90‘s. We grew up in a very large Latin family so of course we were very invested in our Latin roots. Moni had a lot of traditional big fluffy dresses. When we played she always made me wear the light blue dress but deep inside I knew I was a red dress kind of guy. Moni knew I always wanted to wear the red dress so of course she would always wear it. One day after brushing her dolls hair and making them lunch in her easy-bake-oven we began to argue about who got to wear the red dress my aunt walked in and confused as what to even say she just asked me to go home. As I walked out I felt the same shame that I felt that day standing in my light blue fluffy dress when asked to go home. That day I drove home feeling confused and surprisingly empowered. To this day I could not tell you what root I took home, a drive so easily taken many times had become longer and more confusing than the incident from the night before. As I got home I began to shut my blinds, I wanted to hide from the world as if the world knew my shame. I know that to any young person especially a young man the idea of a threesome seems ideal especially in college, but to me it was the most confusing thing. Here I was a young man who was trying to find himself and coming to terms with his new sense of sexuality and trying to see where he fit in society's class system of  straight or gay finding a box to check off  and literally finding himself in a situation where he is being told that there is NO BOX. Sean and Nicole in the course of a night shattered the glass ceiling for me of society where I had resided. The "box" didn't matter, Society didn't matter and gender didn't matter.... All of a sudden Sean's poetry and his philosophical babble made sense. it was as if a switch had been flipped, they cared about me not what imaginary box I was checking to be accepted into society. As the days turned into weeks and soon months, the idea of the three of us being in a relationship became more and more of the norm. As I look back at it now I think that it made perfect sense. I was not ready to let go of who I was expected to be but my soul was striving, gasping for life, for freedom......to be seen.

            As you can imagine a relationship with just two consenting adults is hard enough and having three young college adults was nearly impossible. There was always someone that was left out, jealousy was like a fourth member of the relationship an extra chair that might have never had a physical body but presence was always felt. The empty chair that always seemed to hold our insecurities, secrets, past and future pain this  chair was always pulled close to every dinner table, every coffee shop table, every classroom seat. there was always a presence of inadequacies and fear that lingered around. the air had thickened. In the mist of all of this I had began to become closer to Nicole as a friend, we had always had so much fun together. I had started to pull away sexually from her and she had began to notice. The bed that at one point was our common ground had become my enemy. I felt like a captive unable to move and be free. At first it felt as if it was the liberation of my body to express itself with these two beautiful souls but it quickly became a prison to what my body was able to do and not do. Sean within the months had become increasingly territorial and instructional, he would dictate every sexual encounter as a movie director, "touch her there, grab her there, move your head here" I increasing felt more as a prop and less as a person unable to perform which would throw Sean into a fit of rage. If  I could not perform then that would mean Sean was unable to climax. The once calm and soulful man I was attracted to had become a shell of his former self. he had become a verbally unpredictable abusive man. this once gentle soft spoken man who spoke so much about love and tenderness had come undone. One night we met for dinner the four of us, Sean, Nicole, Me and our empty chair of baggage. I expressed how I felt that Sean was treating not only me but Nicole.

"So what? you want to break up with us just because your feelings are a little hurt? let's be very clear Manuel, Nicole and I are the ones in the relationship your nothing but what WE want you to be and at the moment WE want you to be nothing but our Fuck." Sean said aggressively. "Sean stop it. He doesn't mean that Manuel we both care about you and if there is something wrong then we can definitely fix it we can still make this work." Nicole said as she reached out for my hand. "Come off  it Nicole...stop trying to come off as mother fuckin Teresa. You just told me last night that I fucked up again by choosing a guy that was more interested in being a fag then fucking you properly which is why I have been trying to show him how to fuck you right." Sean screamed from across the table, "Do you know how  hard it is to stay hard while fucking Nicole knowing you're looking at me while I fuck?" Sean took a drink of his beer, and slams the bottle on the table.  "Its uncomfortable bro. I get it we brought you in thinking this was some new age bullshit but  I'm not gay and you obviously are. so jokes on you man, you thought u were going to break it off or maybe you thought that by telling us what you felt would magically switch shit up and we would live happily ever after well that shit is not happening here." Sean looked across the table at me as if I had betrayed him, Nicole looked up from the table and said in a soft voice, "Manuel we care about you, but WE feel that maybe you're looking for something that we can't provide you. and maybe its best that we just end things now before things get really complicated." I felt as though my heart had been yanked from my chest. I could feel my tears flowing down my face. humiliated and feeling alone I sat there not wanting to look up because if I looked up they would have known I had been broken and that was a battle I was not willing to lose. I  thought to myself what is wrong with me? why is it everyone I find a connection with chews me up and spits me out. why am I so easy to discard? then I heard it... the clanking of the dishes from the kitchen the same noise I heard the first time I stayed the night at Nicole and Sean's apartment. It sounded like the same clinks and clanks on an armor getting ready for battle. It hit me this was my battle, and I was not going to go down without a fight. In that moment I realized that I held all the cards, I was in control I was always in control and never realized it and even better I had the least to lose. I wiped my tears away and looked up had a sip of my wine I crossed my arms and smiled, Nicole looked at Sean, "Are you ok Manuel?" Nicole asked in a confused way. I knew I had to choose my words very carefully due to Sean always speaking to us in a belittling fashion "I'm fine Nicole, Sean I understand where your aggression is coming from feelings of inadequacies manifest in many ways especially when feeling threatened." Sean took his beer in his hand," What the fuck are you talking about I'm not threatened by you." I smiled, "Oh of course not, why would you be? as you so vocally expressed Nicole is YOUR girlfriend right? I'm just a play thing right? well ask yourself Sean why does YOUR girlfriend want to play with me so much?" now mind you there was nothing between me and Nicole but all I needed was to plant the seed. Sean was clearly already feeling insecure. Lesson one on how to destroy a man? create doubt. as I stood up to walk out. Sean looks at Nicole and Nicole frantically looks at me and back at Sean, "Wait...Wait Manuel it doesn't have to end like this after all we are friends, don't listen to him Sean I love you. I Only want you. "No Nicole we were never friends, a friend of mine would have never called me a fag especially when I confided in you so much. I understand that you and Sean have been together for all these years but have you ever asked yourself, why has Sean asked someone else to be in a relationship with you? it's because you're not enough." as I turned to walk away I yelled out, "Great tits though" want to know how to ruin a girl? lesson one break down what everyone else sees as fact, in this case that Nicole was holding on to a man who was already gone and two point out  a physical body part is more memorable then you are. I walked out of that restaurant feeling sad and yet empowered at the same time. as I reached the door I noticed that it had started to rain the door man held open an umbrella for me as I hailed a cab, as the cab pulled up I looked up into the sky I stood in the rain as if I was being cleansed.  Nicole and Sean might have not been the best fit for me but I was hopeful and more important I felt as if I was ok, that I had taken control of the situation. As I stood there with the cab door open the cab driver yelled, "Hey man are you ok?" I looked back at the restaurant and said, "I'm fine" I sat in the car and shut the door, I could see the cab drivers eyes in the rearview mirror, "Where to buddy?" he asked I looked back at the restaurant window where Sean and Nicole were as I watched them arguing I looked back at the cab driver and said, "Anywhere but here." as we pulled away I thought to myself I didn't know what was in store for me and for a brief moment I didn't care I just knew that it was going to be my story and I was in control. 

Poetry in Motion

      As I stumbled out of the room zipping up my fly and reaching for the wall to hold me up i remember having an inner monologue, “What just happened? how long was i asleep? who were those guy? were there more? And oh God i’m so thirsty!!” as I hung to the railing of the stair case as I slowly walked down the stairs i grabbed my ass, still being a “gay virgin” i exhaled a sigh of relief knowing i was still a virgin and my ass was still in tact. As I got closer to the main floor of the party i could feel the base of the music as it vibrated through my weak and drunk violated body. The air was hot and had a smell of musk that reeked of hot bodies, body spray, cologne, and desperation of everyone searching for the one person to take home that night that would make them feel important if only for the night. I was desperate for a whole other reason that night, I was desperately searching for my friends to get me out of there. As I searched through the waves of people i finally saw my friend Erica, as i flagged her down i suddenly felt dizzy maybe from the heat or dehydration. I sat on the bottom step of the stairs as i turned and saw my two un-welcomed private party guests watching down on me. They were like vulchers looking down at there next meal waiting on any sign of weakness to attack. Looking up at them and back at Erica and the realization as to what had just happened i felt completely disgusted and began to vomit, luckily there was a potted plat near by that i was able to release into. The last thing i needed was the hoards of people swarming around me pointing and laughing at the fact that i was too drunk to function. It was not my proudest moment. As Erica got closer i saw the look of worry in her face, “Where were you? i was looking for you everywhere. Lets get out of here this is the worst frat party i have ever been to. I got my ass grabbed one to many times, and some fat fuck tried to stick his finger in my pussy as i tried to get a beer from the Keg. I knew this skirt was to fucking short.” Thats what i loved about Erica she was just like a bulldog but a super pretty one. At one glance she looked like a prissy girly girl but when she opened her mouth it was like someone opened the door to a conversation that you would hear in a men’s locker room. If the men’s locker room happened to be in prison in between a shankings.

      Erica led me to her car as she kept complaining about her night, little did she know i also had a less then desirable night. The whole ride home as she talked about the exploitation women go trough every time they go to parties, while she put her coat over her skirt that was so short when she sat down i could see her lacey underwear. Her chatter faded into the background as i watched the city lights pass as i lowered the window. I felt the night air graze against my unshaven face the cold night air felt like a welcoming stranger. I looked up into the stars and lost myself in their constellations. As a kid i use to climb on the roof of my house partly to get away from the screaming and fighting of my parents. I would stare at the stars for hours, making wishes to escape far, far away.These familiar stars that once embodied my dreams, my hopes and my wishes were now lighting my way to the place i tried so hard to escape. they were leading me home. Granted it was a different home but none the less a self made prison of shame and memories that would not die of Austin.

      I decided to once again forget about the craziness of the whole frat party by throwing myself into school work and classes, it was a self preservation tactic i was becoming familiar with which was deny, deny,deny until you forget. It was the beginning of my second semester in college i was sitting in my English class that i had be wait listed in, so in a desperate attempt to get into the class i decided to show up early to talk to the instructor to plead my case on as to why he should let me in. “Many students drop out of the class within the first week, so feel free to sit in and wait and see if anyone drops out.” he said to me. luckily he was right within the first couple of days students started to drop like flies. Within the first 2 weeks our first assignment was presented to us, we were to write a heartfelt poem, style of our choice that signified a hardship we had to overcome. This poem was to highlight our passion for writing and also give the instructor insight to our writing technique. My “Technique” i thought to myself, i had no technique it was hard enough for me to pull a rose’s are red violets are blue poem together let alone give any kind of insight on my “technique”. The day of the presentation as i clutched my un polished high school at best poem to my body and presented to the class a brief poem on moving from a small town to the city called, “little boy lost” a collective silence washed over the entire classroom. As the professor cleared his throat and called the next student to the podium i hung my head in shame and took a seat. As i sat at my desk humiliated and feeling defeated, i lifted my head to a strong and powerful voice. I looked up and there stood a tall handsome young man by the name of Sean. Sean stood about 5'11 dark brown hair almost black with hazel eyes, he had a muscular chest with nice arms and a half sleave tattoo that poked out of the bottom of his short sleeved shirt. His Poem was amazing, i felt as though he was expressing everything i wish i could have said. The poem was heartfelt, full of pain, loss, faith, and growth. He read his poem with such conviction, that even he began to get emotional mid read. I felt completely and utterly drawn to Sean i had to know him. After class i slowly got my things together as he talked to the professor trying to “bump” into him as we walked out together.

      As i walked out Sean followed. i could hear his footsteps behind me as i walked down the hallway. I turned and said, “Your poem was really good.” i said with a school boy smile. “Hey thanks man, yours was good too.” he said with a smile also. “You think so? i dunno i think it was a little too cookie cutter, i think i need to be more free with my writing” as i stopped in the hallway and turned to him. “It was a little young but you will get better. a cute guy like you i’m sure has a lot more to write about.” he said as he smiled. As soon as he said i was cute i suddenly got a big smile across my face and thought to myself YES!!! he is gay. “Here” he said as he wrote an address on a sheet of paper and tore it out of his binder. “This is a coffee place that does poetry readings on Wednesdays around 7:00pm a lot of local armatures’s go and premiere there material, you should go and get the idea and maybe it will help. I go every week.” I could not believe it he was a modern day beatnik. As i took the address he held on to the other half and said, “I really hope i see you there, maybe we can get you found, little boy lost.” i smiled and leaned against the wall as he walked away, i clutched my binder against my chest with the address in one hand as i watched him walk away. I had a big smile and thought to myself, was this a date? if it was a date he would have said it was a date. This was just an open invitation, don’t get over excited i thought to myself. as i bit the edge of my binder still watching him walk away he turned and waived. At that moment i said silently screamed to myself and thought this is SOOOO a date....

      Wednesday was right around the corner, and i had no idea what to wear to a poetry reading/date. I wanted Sean to think i belonged to this world of coffee drinking, poetry reading love and peace making crowd. So i did what anyone would do, i googled what the appropriate attire was for beatniks was. I showed up early to get a seat and scope out the scene. As i looked around i noticed that i was the only one dressed in what google had suggested to be the proper attire, I was wearing black jeans, a black turtle neck and a black beret, i looked like a gay French burglar. Felling out of place and like a complete fool i stood up to leave, as i was walking to my car i heard Sean scream my name, i quickly pulled off my beret and turned to look at him, “Hey were are you going the poetry is about to start, what are you wearing?” as i looked down at myself i in a state of panic told him i could not stay due to a conflicting funeral i had to attend. Sean feeling like i was lying asked, “Are you sure? you can’t stay just for a bit” as i looked up at him and his half smile i said, “well i guess i can stay for a little bit, i mean its just the wake right now.” now that i think back at that i must have looked and seemed like an idiot. As we walked into the coffee shop Sean gestured to a girl and said, “Manuel i would like to introduce you to my girlfriend, this is Nicole.”

     Nicole..... what could i say about Nicole? Nicole was a beautiful girl with chestnut colored hair, that laid past her shoulders. Nicole had big brown eyes you could sink deep into, she always smelled of apples, i was convinced it was her shampoo as i inhaled deep once we hugged. “I’it’s so good to meet you, Sean always talks about you, nice to put face to a name.” does he? we only really formally met one time i thought to myself. I politely smiled. Who is this perky bitch? i thought to myself. “Nice to meet you also... Sean talks about you all the time too.” i said. as i smiled politely back at Sean, how the fuck was i to know if he talked about her, Fuck i just met this guy 2 days ago i thought to myself. “Come sit next to me, i have our seats reserved here in the front.” as i followed Nicole to he front of the stage i noticed as the audience watched on, I felt important in a weird way. The attention was like a drug a mysterious danger that clung to my unexperienced soul. The weeks past and i began to meet Nicole and Sean on a weekly basis at the Coffee shop where the 3 of us had become a local Celebrity trio. Every night Sean’s poems were more and more erotic and full of undiscovered physical longing. On the night that everything changed Sean had just finished reciting a poem that was entitled, “forbidden desire”. i remember it fondly due to the fact that it was the first time i remembered him reciting a poem where i felt he was talking directly to me. After the poetry session Nicole and Sean both approached me as i was walking to my car. As i turned to say goodnight, Sean reached for my hand and said, “Manuel me and Nicole both think your really hot, do you want to stay at our place tonight?” as i looked at Sean then Back at Nicole i cleared my throat and said... “For like a sleep over or something?” again coming from a small town i knew nothing of group sex let alone group relationships. Nicole grabbed my other hand and said, “Kind of.” she kissed my hand and glided it down her chest. As i stood there i looked at Sean then back at Nicole and thought to myself, what the Fuck is going on? i was to young and inexperienced to deal with whatever they were trying to accomplish. i could feel my heart beating faster and faster. As i looked down at her chest i began to lick my lips, Nicole got closer and pressed her chest against mine which pressed my body against my cold steal car and kissed me, then Sean leaned in while grabbing my other hand pressed it against his jeans on top of his Penis and began to kiss my neck. This was the most erotic thing my small town boy mentality had ever come across. There in a dim lit alley way next to a coffee shop i had my first 3way kiss along with some mild petting, that night i went home with the both of them. The whole drive to their apartment i kep thinking, what are you doing... go home.. but the draw of these two was too strong to resist. As i entered their apartment in a meek and shy way i walked in as though i was being snuck into a high school girls parents house. Nicole went straight to her bedroom as i sat on the sofa. “Do you want something to drink, we have soda, water and budlight” Sean asked. “No, im fine.” i nervously replied. “your poem was really good tonight. it was so powerful i felt like it was talking directly to me.” i said in a awkward fashion. “Good i’m glad you liked it. i did have you in mind when i wrote it.” Sean whispered to me as he sat on the sofa next to me while placing his hand on my knee while taking a sip of his beer. As Sean started to inch closer to me the bedroom door swung open and in the doorway stood Nicole completely naked with a silk pink bathrobe that looked about 2 years old open, “Well boys you coming to bed?” I looked at Sean then back at Nicole, Sean Whispered, “You ready?” i thought to myself, Was i? was i really ready for this kind of life? Sean stood up in front of me with his hand extended as i took his hand i thought to myself, “Dam i should have got that beer.”That night was filled with awkward hand placements and misguided hip thrusts. Sean and i never made contact. the whole night was about pleasing Nicole. I felt as though i was asking for passage into the forbidden land from an unforgiving queen the entire night. The next morning in the light of day everything seemed different. the sun had brought out the truth there was nowhere to hide and nowhere to escape. as i looked to my left was there was Nicole my acceptance into society, and to my right my hearts content, where would i fit in? i thought to myself..... somewhere in the middle, i thought to myself as i pulled the sheets over my head.

Ghosts of the Past

     A sudden wind spun from the waves of the ocean and slammed against the shutters of my bedroom window, waking me from my heart broken comma. As I tried to open my eyes but found it difficult due to the fact that my eye lashes and lids seemed to be sealed shut from the dry tears that comforted me the night before. I stood up walked to the window and gazed out at my view. The same view that a couple of days before was my salvation and my new beginning now seemed to be my prison of which I felt I could never escape. My crime was my sexuality, my warden was in the form of Austin and my sentence was life. As I staggered to the living room I came across Martha as she was leaving for the day. “Morning, somebody got in late last night, did you have fun with your new friends?” I quietly poured, myself some coffee and walked to the sofa without making eye contact, “It was ok.”I took a quick sip instantly burning my lip I closed my eyes then quickly looked down at my feet. I felt as though if she were to see my eyes she would see the pain and humiliation as I knew my own mother would. “Well thats good, I'm sure you guys will have a lot more fun. I gotta go but can you make sure to pick up the kids from summer school at 3?” Still not looking at her I replied, “yea, of course.” with that she shut the door and was gone.

     I sat on that sofa for hours going over the steps of the prior night. I re-evaluated everything 3 to 4 times trying to figure out if I had missed anything, there was nothing but the lingering feelings of shame and his kiss on my lips. I decided to call my mom beside my better judgment I just needed that familiar voice that would still make me feel somewhat alive and like I mattered. As the phone rang I thought to myself did I make a mistake? But it was to late, “Hello? Hello? Who's this?” the familiar voice was enough to make me start crying all over again, I took a deep breath and a gulp and said, “Hi mom, what are you doing? How is everyone?” As I put my hand over the receiver and quietly let out a silent cry and let the tears fall from my face. “OH!!! Chaparro, everyone is good, but how are you?tell me everything, have you made any friends?” the optimism in her voice made it even harder to express how I really felt. The only thing I could manage to say was lies, the comfort of a fool, “I'm good mom, everyone is so nice here I have made a lot of friends, I'm actually about to meet some friends by the beach but wanted to say a quick hi, I miss you guys so much.” I again covered the phone while I set out another cry as I pretended to clear my throat as I got back on the line. “What's wrong?” my mother questioned. “What? Nothing what do you mean?” a sudden rush flustered me. I felt a sudden rush of blood as it made its way to my head causing me to get hot and sweat. It was a mixture of embarrassment and guilt that suddenly rushed over me. “I know when something is wrong, I can feel it. What's wrong?” I quickly went into damage control assuring her that everything was fine. She reluctantly accepted my excuses for sounding weird to being tired and being in a rush to meet “my friends”. As we hung up the phone I began to think that I couldn't let this one occurrence with Austin bring me down I had to pick myself up and get on with my life. So I stood up, picked up the broken pieces of my heart and got dressed. That day I began to look at things a little different. I began to think that not everything had a storybook ending but that didn't mean I couldn't make my life an interesting read.

     As the months went on I got a job was enrolled in college and was getting my life together little by little. Austin had become an accident in my past, a mistake a moment of vulnerability to a young impressionable teen. He was a ghost of my past, until that ghost became a reality when I ran into him at a local movie theater. He was on a date with a pretty girl and I was with Martha. I had just got back from the lobby with my large bag of popcorn and soda, I turned to make sure I was going to sit in my seat when I spotted him whispering in his dates ear. I thought to myself It was not so long ago that he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I felt my face get hot and cold all at the same time. We locked eyes as I sat down and I quickly turned around. Martha mumbled something. I couldn't make out what she had said, “Sorry, what?” she looked around us, “I said, what's wrong?” “Oh nothing I forgot napkins, I will be right back.” I stood up making my way through the many legs to the hallway I felt as though my throat was closing in on me, I couldn't breath the walls were closing in and I needed to escape. I burst through the doors and I felt nothing but anger at that point. It was as if it was my personal theater and he had showed up to piss all over it. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I wanted to scream and yell but didn't understand why. I had let it go a long time ago. I sat on the sofa outside the theater door. Suddenly the door swung open and who was there but mister wonderful him self. I might have came to the movies to watch, “The Others” but I was dealing with my own ghosts now. As he approached me my heart began to beat faster and faster, “I know you must be really mad and confused Manuel but let me explain.” he began to say. “Honestly Austin save it, nothing you can say would make up for what you and your buddy did to me. I was humiliated and treated like shit all because you couldn't stand up to some nobody and tell him what you really were.” I began to notice that my tone was getting a little to high and not wanting to cause a scene quickly lowered it as I looked around. “Thats not it Manuel you have to understand with my rank in the military if anything came out I could be discharged. You have no idea what kind of pressure that puts on me. I really do wish I could be with you but at this time it doesn't look like that can happen.” and just when I thought I could write him off as an asshole he made the one statement that I always think back on he looked at me dead in my eyes and said, “I really did like you.” as I looked at him I could feel that he really did but his situation prohibited him from actually being able to act on it. as he got closer and reached out to me to give me a hug I stood there with my arms crossed in front of my chest. I knew I should have been furious and should have kicked him in his balls but at that time the past and my anger seemed to fade and all I could focus on was that in this moment in time he was hugging me in public. His big arms were once again wrapped around me. An embrace that I had forgotten but still seemed so familiar. The movie theater next to us let out and as the crowds entered the lobby Austin quickly released me from our embrace at that moment I realized that I would never be nothing more then a secret forever in the shadows something I refused to be. I care about him but I cared about myself more and refused to be his secret love. So I lost myself in the crowed and made my way back to the door of our theater as I turned back and caught a glimpse of Austin as he searched through the crowds of people. It hit me he might have been searching for me but I had already found myself or at least was on the right path of finding who I was to become and what I would never become which was a secret. I made my way back to me seat, “Where are the napkins?” Martha asked. “Oh they were out, what did I miss?” when the movie was over Martha and I made our way though the lobby as I looked back and saw Austin and his date hand in hand she rested her head on his arm as he towered over her. He didn't notice me as I watched him brush her bangs to the side and kiss her. I began to smile Martha asked, “What's wrong? You know him?” as I turned and sighed, “No, no I don't, he looked like someone I thought I knew.” some ghosts might haunt us forever and then there are those that fade into the distance and become nothing more then an memory its up to us to choose if they will hold us back or if we will use them as a catapult to push us forward. I choose to go forward.

     As the weeks past I had become more and more independent, school and work was going great I had made new friends and was at the very forefront of the peak of my college experience. I had attended a couple of parties and had just been invited to my very first frat party. After the whole Austin situation I decided to push my sexuality down and not think about it as much and just live life. And it was working until the night of the frat party. I had drank to much and remember being helped upstairs to one of the rooms by a group of fraternity brothers left on one of the beds to sober up. I fell into a deep sleep, next thing I remember is waking up to a sensation I had not felt in a long time. As I opened my eyes I heard the base of the music in the distance, I looked down and saw my pants around my ankles and my limp dick being worked on while in a guys mouth. I grabbed him by the hair on the back of his head and lifted his head to see who it was, “What are you doing?!!! who are you?!!” I yelled as I jumped to my feet and put my pants on. “It's cool man, it's cool” he kept saying “No, no its not cool!!” as I started to walk out I heard another guy come out of the bathroom as he said, “Oh, party's over?” as I leaned over and threw up everywhere. Apparently while I was passed out I had been a human blow pop for these frat boys... And this my friends was my first gay experience.

An Officer and a Gentalmen

      As the morning light beamed through the cracked window shades waking me from my sleep. I sat up from my small twin sized bed that I had claimed the night before when we arrived at Martha's apartment. As I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes it suddenly hit me, I was on my own. A sudden feeling of horror and nervousness overwhelmed me. I looked around at my strange surroundings seeing all the toys and clothes laying on the ground of Martha's son's bedroom. I walked to the kitchen grabbed a coffee mug. On the mug it had a cat holding on for its life and the caption read, “Hang in there”. I walked out to balcony and watched people as they ran on the beach. It was so quiet and peaceful. I sat there in my pajama pants and a muscle shirt, my hair disheveled with just enough product to have it completely smashed on one side. The early morning mist from the ocean washed over me, in a way cleansing me as if it was washing away my past and giving me a whole new beginning. If only it was that easy. I sat there in the early morning light and cried for my mom, sister, brother and yes even my father. I missed them so much. After all even though I was 18 I was still a child away from home for the first time. I looked down at the beach and spotted a father walking hand in hand with his young son. It seemed so alien to me, all my life I longed for that closeness with my father. Yes my father was stern with me and many times just cruel but he was the only father I ever had. And most important the only father that ever wanted me. You see my father adopted me at a very young age. I was in the 3^rd grade when my new life began and was given a new name.
      My biological father was a stranger to me, my mother and I left him when I was very young, a baby still. He was an abusive drug dealer and user. A combination that was never good. Our escape would be harder then what my mother had anticipated. Being my father's only son he had felt compelled to keep me as close to him as possible. I was his property and I was a non negotiable item. My mother on the other hand was free to go anytime. A routine visit to our relatives house in Blythe had turned into a mission of survival. We went into hiding my mother aggressively negotiating to never go back to the arms of my abusive father while my grandfather on my fathers side was the mediator. At one point my Father grabs me and threatens to run away with me and make sure that my mother never saw me again. My grandfather who I always remember as being a kind man intervened and pulled me from my father's arms and gave me to my mother. My grandfather knew what kind of a son he had and knew what was the best for his grandson so he did what was best for me and sent me away with my mother. I will always be grateful to him for that.

       As the years progressed my biological father who I misguidedly called dad left me with many memories none of which were good. I remember being very young and getting calls from him telling me that he was on his way to pick me up for the weekends. I remember jumping off the counter and running to my room as fast as I could as if he was down the street and didn't want to keep him waiting. I would pull out my little blue suite case and filled it with toys and clothes. My mom would stand at the door frame of my room and ask in a low calm voice, “What are you doing chapparo” a nick name that I was given since birth in English it means “shorty”. I would always turn around and say, “My dad is coming to pick me up, and we are going to Disneyland and we are going to ride motorcycles and he is taking me on his airplane...” the list would go on and on with the things we were going to do but never did. I never really understood why he would call. He never showed up but every weekend he would make the same promises and every weekend I was filled with the same excitement. As I would drag my suite case off my bed due to it being so heavy I would walk past my mom in the hall she was always so sad. Eyes filled with tears I would always reassure her, “Don't worry mom I will be back.” I would drag my suite case to the edge of the street. Where I would sit on the edge of the sidewalk. Always fashionable wearing shorts, a he-man t-shirt and knee high tube socks. I remember my cousins would always ride by in bikes and I would jump up and yell, “Hi guys, I can't play today my dad is picking me up and we are going to have fun all weekend.” my mom would come out with a tooth brush, “You forgot this, I know your going to be having fun but you can't forget to brush your teeth”. “ thank you momma” as I opened my suite case and placed my tooth brush inside. My mom would always ask. “Can I sit down and wait with you?” as I looked up at her, “Yes momma but my dad is going to be here soon he is really coming this time, he is just buying me a present because he is sorry he is a little late” my mom would sigh and sit down pull me close against her and say, “Oh yea? What is he buying you?” before I knew it I was yawning and describing all the things my dad was going to buy me things of course I had made up in my mind, that my perfect father was bringing me before I knew it I was in her lap fast asleep. I would always wake up the next morning in my own bed. I could only image how hard it must have been for my mother to have me looking forward to my father picking me up and the disappointment I had faced with every time he never showed up. I remember always hearing my mother yell at him over the phone screaming, “If your not going to come don't say your coming, do you know what that does to him? Do you even care?” as I played with my he-man greyscull tower of doom. I felt as though I was not important and that was never made more clear until the day I was introduced to my half brother who had my same exact name. Yes you read this correct my father had replaced me in every sense of the word he named my half brother my first and last name. Shortly after that is when my step father legally adopted me and changed my name to what it is today. All the memories of my past flooded over me much like the waves that crashed onto the rocks down below on the beach. But I couldn't help but think that was in the past and now I was at the cusp of a new beginning and finally being able to forget the past. Blythe felt a world away and with that I found comfort, I felt that I could really find myself and find why I always felt different isn't that what college is all about? Self discovery. The chance to explore who I really was in a consensual sense would present itself sooner then I though. During the summer of 2001 a lot of things happened. I moved away from Blythe the only home I had ever known and I also found a new home and comfort in the arms of a man who made me feel like a stranger to myself.

       The summer of 2001 had just began, it was the beginning weeks when the day air was hot and the nights were left with the lingering musk of that day. On one summer day I decided to take in the sun and lay out on the beach. Martha living so close I decided to walk and become familiar with my new neighborhood. It was not a particularly busy day at the beach. There were scattered people all over the place, much like high school. There were a group of jocks huddled together on one end, a group of misfits, the pretty people on one side and the ones that were obviously not sure on what to do scattered all around. I found solace in the fact that I was not the only one that was out of place. I laid out my towel took off my shirt rubbed on my sunscreen. I laid back with my sunglasses on and pressed play on my cd player, as No Doubt began to play. After awhile there was a sudden eclipse, I opened my eyes and there stood one of the hottest guys I had ever seen. He toward over me his head was buzzed cut but you could see that his hair was a light brown or blond due to the stubble. He had broad shoulders and the most perfect chest and arms I had ever seen, that is outside of an action hero movie. All I heard was muffled noise I took off my sunglasses and headphones and looked around as if I had been sitting in his seat or to see if he was possibly talking to someone around me. “I said, are you from here?” he repeated himself I quickly lifted my hand to block the sunlight that was blindingly reflecting off his dog tags that hung from his neck. Still I said nothing, “Me and some buddies are stationed here at camp Pendleton and were looking for some cool places to hang out at, we were just talking to some locals to find out what there was to do here.” camp Pendleton was a military base not to far from the beach, I still said nothing, at this point I'm sure he thought I had some sort of learning disability. “Ok well sorry to have bothered you.” he began to walk away. I cleared my throat, “I'm not from here.” I yelled out as if I had been some sort of prisoner of war torchard to give up top secret information. “Oh, I'm sorry I thought you lived here, well do you know any place to go out around here?” I nervously started to gather my things as if I had been caught trying to smuggle narcotics over the state line. “No, sorry I just moved here. I don't even know anyone.” he picked up my water bottle and handed it to me, “Thank you” I replied as he stood there glistening from the beads of sweat that his body produced from the heat. “No problem, my name is Austin and a couple of buddies are meeting up here later on if you want to hang out with us, maybe we can all find something fun to do.” I looked up at his kind eyes that were as blue as the ocean and the whitest smile I had ever seen and thought to myself how nice he was. There was a feeling that seemed to wash over me a feeling of familiarity that I knew him somehow. I felt it down in my bones. There was something about him that I felt was somewhat like myself. I would soon find out what that something way.

        That night I met Austin but surprisingly he was alone. He said that his buddies had met some girls and that he didn't want me to feel as though I had been dissed. That night as we walked along the beach for hours, Austin expressed his dreams, goals and fears I found our connection to be even stronger. This military man had the ability to express everything I wished I could. When I would talk he actually listened. He made me feel as though I was the most important person in the world and that what I said and felt mattered. Which was what I had been looking for all along. As the night came to an end it hit me Austin was a gay man, a gay military man, a Gay military man who found interest in me. That was the connection, we were both hiding the one thing from the world what we wished we could express the most. He never vocally said it but I knew from the way he made me feel. As the night air became a little colder Austin gave me his jacket he wrapped it around me as if he was trying to shelter me from not only the coldness but the world itself. As he zipped up his jacket he pulled me close and it happened, he leaned in and kissed me. It was the most perfect kiss. It was not my first boy kiss, I had been making out with guys all through out high school, most of whom were on the football team. This was different there was no needing to worry about having to avoid him the next day at school or having to deal with the name calling. It was pure and freeing, to be able to be with someone who made you feel special in an open non-threatening manner it seemed like a dream, but like most dreams it came to a sudden stop. As Austin walked me back to the boardwalk, things seemed to change. Before we were hidden from the world in the darkened mist of the night. There were no lights on the beach to expose us, we were just two dark shadows in a romantic embrace. But now in the light of the boardwalk we were given new shame. As we got close to the boardwalk I noticed that Austin let go of my hand to scratch his face and never regained it. As the lights of the street fully emerged us I heard a man scream, “Austin!!” and there from the darkness showed presented another Military buddy I recognized from the beach earlier that day. “What are you doing out, I thought you had to work tonight?” the man questioned as he looked at me up and down, “I did but I got out early decided to come out here and see if I saw any of you.” Austin quickly replied. “Hey aren't you the gay kid from the beach today?” the man questioned. I felt my face get red and I felt nervous, was it that obvious I thought to myself. But I thought no worries I was with Austin he would protect me, “Yea he is I keep telling him that I'm not interested and that I'm going to kick his ass if he doesn't leave me alone.” Austin replied he then pushes me to the ground, “Get out of here fuckin faggot!” as I fell to the ground I looked up at him confused, ashamed and scared. I could feel the tears coming. I quickly sat up and began to run away after all there were two of them and one of me. As I turned back I could see them laughing and yelling, “ you better run faggot!” I couldn't help it anymore I felt as though I was holding rocks in my throat from trying to hold back the tears. I ran home crying and as I stopped at the door before going inside I looked at Austin's jacket that I still had wrapped around me, the jacket that once felt as though protection from the world had suddenly become my scarlet letter.

The Begining

The night air was thick with musk, perfume and a hint of freshly cut grass lingered in the distance on that hot summer night in 2001. I stood in front of what seemed at that time a massive crowd of proud parents, friends and family members. Everyone’s cheers seemed lost in the distance, muffled in a sense. The only thing I could hear clearly was the beating of my own heart as it began to beat faster and faster and the tone of my breath as I exhaled. Then finally my name was called.  I stood up and made my way to the podium. The sound of my classmates screaming seemed odd. Could it be? After all these years of being taunting and teased, had I finally been accepted? But as everything in high school is, it was just a production. Or perhaps it was just the overwhelming feelings of their own demise knowing that they had peaked in high school. I stood in front of my peers nervous with a feeling of uncertainty. The heavy beaming lights from the football field blindingly guided my view.  The lights shined on my green cap and gown which was nicely ironed a couple hours before hand by my meticulous mother. I stood there with my rapidly beating heart, the muffled screams of the crowd holding a bright red balloon in my hand.  The balloon as our principal and graduation coordinator described was a symbol of our past that we were to let go of our childhood and move forward into adult hood. I stood there with my “symbol” in my hand closed my eyes, made a wish and let go. To me my balloon represented much more then coming of age, it represented hope and my escape.

Growing up in a small town had its advantages but it also had its drawbacks.  Our town was so small nobody has ever really known what our population was. We had two major state prisons in driving distance within the town, and the inmates were included into our population count.  I was a small town boy with big city dreams. I was looking for a way out as far back as when I took my first step. My home town is called Blythe those of you who might recognize the name might have stopped by to get gas on your way to somewhere, anywhere else. This town might be small geographically but is big in heart. From an outward glance the town might resemble the town that time forgot or that time stood still for. When you take a closer look you see much more. Yes this tiny town that is unnoticed by the world is where I call home.

I grew up with the same morals and view points as everyone else in my town, that Family was everything and that we should love yet fear God and your mother. But most important, you were supposed to be attracted to the opposite sex. The Problem was that I knew at a very young age that I was diffrent. I also questioned everything which did not go over to well in my home town. I remember being in catechism as a child and being kicked out for coloring Jesus black. My aunt who was the catholic school teacher at the time asked me in front of everyone why I did that? I responded with, “If Jesus was made in our image, why was he only white in every picture I saw I'm not white? Why couldn’t he be black or brown?” as I pointed to my broken brown crayon. I continued with, “And if he did walk the land preaching the good word of his father, wouldn’t he have at least some kind of tan?” my aunt grabbed me by my ear and walked me outside and asked me to go home. I was never asked to come to catechism again. To question anything or to think differently was considered an act of treason and was punishable by disowner ship from the rest of the pact.

The day after graduation I woke up to a banging at my bedroom door, it was my strict and compassionless father.  His idea of a good time was chain smoking cigarettes, drinking coffee and telling me what a disappointment I was. He asked me to meet him in the living room in 10 min. I quickly grabbed some jeans that were tossed on the ground and rushed to meet him. I knew that when he had that certain look he meant business. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes and yawned I quietly mumbled, “Good morning”. He looked at me up and down and said, “Well?” I looked down at my bare feet and back up at him and said, “Well what?” he stared at me with eyes full of anger and said, “You graduated yesterday, you’re officially a man.” Looked at me up and down again, “Or as close as one you will probably ever be. It is the first week of the month. If you want to continue living here you need to pay rent. Which means you need a job.” I couldn’t believe it I had not been out of high school for a full day and already I had bills. “Because I just told you about rent I will give you a grace period of another week to get rent to me before you are charged a late fee.” He smirked. I’m sure in his mind he thought he was doing me a favor.

When my mother woke up I told her about the whole incidence which caused a huge fight. My father was a very stern man. He was never physically abusive but he was verbally abusive towards me which at times I felt was much worse. I was the product of a blended family. My father legally adopted me when I was about 8. My mother thought I needed a male father figure in my life and he was it. My mother’s best friend since high school was down visiting for my graduation; Martha suggested that I move out with her to San Diego. I could help her with her son and look for a job out there. An invitation and a free ride out of this town, there was no need to think about it, I ran to my room and packed my bag.

As I strapped my suite case on the hood of Martha’s old car, I looked back at my mom as she stood there, eyes filled with tears and arms crossed in front of her chest being as tough as always.  I gave her a hug, kissed her cheek and said, “Don’t worry mom I will be fine, I will call you when I get there.”  She grabbed my face and said, “You will be great, I always knew you would leave this town, your dreams were always bigger then this town. Be careful and call me every day.” This came as a huge shock. My mother was never one for showing emotion. In fact at times growing up she was quite cold. She always felt she had to be tough with us. As a child I remember playing outside with my cousins which there were many of, and crying because one of them had called me a distasteful name, A name that would haunt me forever, a name that at the time I found hurtful and full of shame but later I would pull strength from and learn held great power. The name was, “Faggot”. My cousins’ who were a little older would scream at me as I played with my best cousin Monica “Moni”. “Come on Faggot, why are you crying Faggot”. At the time I didn’t know what the word meant but I knew it couldn’t be good from the way that they kept taunting me with it. My mom came out and saw me crying as my cousin Moni stood above me brushing my hair with her palm. “What’s wrong?” my mother asked as she squatted to the ground next to me. “Tia it’s the boys, they keep yelling at him calling him…..You know…that word” Moni said full of anger tough like I wish I could be. My mom stood up as the boys ran away. My mother grabbed me by my forearm and lifted me to my feet. As she brushed my light blue corduroy jeans with the patch on the knees off she looked up at me as I rubbed my eyes and said, “Never let anyone see you cry because that is a sign of weakness. What you are showing people is how to hurt you.” She wiped my dirt stained face off and said, “Now go play, and remember if you ever feel like crying hold it in and when you’re alone in your room then you can cry”. That advice had followed me all through my adolescence and into young adulthood. Later in life I learned the warm companionship of Revenge, which at times could keep you warm in even the coldest nights.

   As we pulled out of the driveway and drove down the street I looked back in the rear view mirror and watched my mom get smaller and smaller, as the tears rolled down my face, I quickly wiped them away I turned to Martha as she said, “Don’t look back. In life the only thing you can do is look ahead, no use dwelling in the past all you have is the present and future”. But I did look back and as my home, my friends, my family vanished my small town life had become nothing but dust in the distance.  As I sat there I thought to myself. I made it. I was free, who knows what my future had in store for me. Would I find a job? Would I find love? Would I find a place in the world for me? Who knew? What was certain was that this was going to be an adventure but it was my adventure, and I couldn’t wait.