Ghosts of the Past

     A sudden wind spun from the waves of the ocean and slammed against the shutters of my bedroom window, waking me from my heart broken comma. As I tried to open my eyes but found it difficult due to the fact that my eye lashes and lids seemed to be sealed shut from the dry tears that comforted me the night before. I stood up walked to the window and gazed out at my view. The same view that a couple of days before was my salvation and my new beginning now seemed to be my prison of which I felt I could never escape. My crime was my sexuality, my warden was in the form of Austin and my sentence was life. As I staggered to the living room I came across Martha as she was leaving for the day. “Morning, somebody got in late last night, did you have fun with your new friends?” I quietly poured, myself some coffee and walked to the sofa without making eye contact, “It was ok.”I took a quick sip instantly burning my lip I closed my eyes then quickly looked down at my feet. I felt as though if she were to see my eyes she would see the pain and humiliation as I knew my own mother would. “Well thats good, I'm sure you guys will have a lot more fun. I gotta go but can you make sure to pick up the kids from summer school at 3?” Still not looking at her I replied, “yea, of course.” with that she shut the door and was gone.

     I sat on that sofa for hours going over the steps of the prior night. I re-evaluated everything 3 to 4 times trying to figure out if I had missed anything, there was nothing but the lingering feelings of shame and his kiss on my lips. I decided to call my mom beside my better judgment I just needed that familiar voice that would still make me feel somewhat alive and like I mattered. As the phone rang I thought to myself did I make a mistake? But it was to late, “Hello? Hello? Who's this?” the familiar voice was enough to make me start crying all over again, I took a deep breath and a gulp and said, “Hi mom, what are you doing? How is everyone?” As I put my hand over the receiver and quietly let out a silent cry and let the tears fall from my face. “OH!!! Chaparro, everyone is good, but how are you?tell me everything, have you made any friends?” the optimism in her voice made it even harder to express how I really felt. The only thing I could manage to say was lies, the comfort of a fool, “I'm good mom, everyone is so nice here I have made a lot of friends, I'm actually about to meet some friends by the beach but wanted to say a quick hi, I miss you guys so much.” I again covered the phone while I set out another cry as I pretended to clear my throat as I got back on the line. “What's wrong?” my mother questioned. “What? Nothing what do you mean?” a sudden rush flustered me. I felt a sudden rush of blood as it made its way to my head causing me to get hot and sweat. It was a mixture of embarrassment and guilt that suddenly rushed over me. “I know when something is wrong, I can feel it. What's wrong?” I quickly went into damage control assuring her that everything was fine. She reluctantly accepted my excuses for sounding weird to being tired and being in a rush to meet “my friends”. As we hung up the phone I began to think that I couldn't let this one occurrence with Austin bring me down I had to pick myself up and get on with my life. So I stood up, picked up the broken pieces of my heart and got dressed. That day I began to look at things a little different. I began to think that not everything had a storybook ending but that didn't mean I couldn't make my life an interesting read.

     As the months went on I got a job was enrolled in college and was getting my life together little by little. Austin had become an accident in my past, a mistake a moment of vulnerability to a young impressionable teen. He was a ghost of my past, until that ghost became a reality when I ran into him at a local movie theater. He was on a date with a pretty girl and I was with Martha. I had just got back from the lobby with my large bag of popcorn and soda, I turned to make sure I was going to sit in my seat when I spotted him whispering in his dates ear. I thought to myself It was not so long ago that he was whispering sweet nothings in my ear. I felt my face get hot and cold all at the same time. We locked eyes as I sat down and I quickly turned around. Martha mumbled something. I couldn't make out what she had said, “Sorry, what?” she looked around us, “I said, what's wrong?” “Oh nothing I forgot napkins, I will be right back.” I stood up making my way through the many legs to the hallway I felt as though my throat was closing in on me, I couldn't breath the walls were closing in and I needed to escape. I burst through the doors and I felt nothing but anger at that point. It was as if it was my personal theater and he had showed up to piss all over it. I could feel my heart beating in my throat. I wanted to scream and yell but didn't understand why. I had let it go a long time ago. I sat on the sofa outside the theater door. Suddenly the door swung open and who was there but mister wonderful him self. I might have came to the movies to watch, “The Others” but I was dealing with my own ghosts now. As he approached me my heart began to beat faster and faster, “I know you must be really mad and confused Manuel but let me explain.” he began to say. “Honestly Austin save it, nothing you can say would make up for what you and your buddy did to me. I was humiliated and treated like shit all because you couldn't stand up to some nobody and tell him what you really were.” I began to notice that my tone was getting a little to high and not wanting to cause a scene quickly lowered it as I looked around. “Thats not it Manuel you have to understand with my rank in the military if anything came out I could be discharged. You have no idea what kind of pressure that puts on me. I really do wish I could be with you but at this time it doesn't look like that can happen.” and just when I thought I could write him off as an asshole he made the one statement that I always think back on he looked at me dead in my eyes and said, “I really did like you.” as I looked at him I could feel that he really did but his situation prohibited him from actually being able to act on it. as he got closer and reached out to me to give me a hug I stood there with my arms crossed in front of my chest. I knew I should have been furious and should have kicked him in his balls but at that time the past and my anger seemed to fade and all I could focus on was that in this moment in time he was hugging me in public. His big arms were once again wrapped around me. An embrace that I had forgotten but still seemed so familiar. The movie theater next to us let out and as the crowds entered the lobby Austin quickly released me from our embrace at that moment I realized that I would never be nothing more then a secret forever in the shadows something I refused to be. I care about him but I cared about myself more and refused to be his secret love. So I lost myself in the crowed and made my way back to the door of our theater as I turned back and caught a glimpse of Austin as he searched through the crowds of people. It hit me he might have been searching for me but I had already found myself or at least was on the right path of finding who I was to become and what I would never become which was a secret. I made my way back to me seat, “Where are the napkins?” Martha asked. “Oh they were out, what did I miss?” when the movie was over Martha and I made our way though the lobby as I looked back and saw Austin and his date hand in hand she rested her head on his arm as he towered over her. He didn't notice me as I watched him brush her bangs to the side and kiss her. I began to smile Martha asked, “What's wrong? You know him?” as I turned and sighed, “No, no I don't, he looked like someone I thought I knew.” some ghosts might haunt us forever and then there are those that fade into the distance and become nothing more then an memory its up to us to choose if they will hold us back or if we will use them as a catapult to push us forward. I choose to go forward.

     As the weeks past I had become more and more independent, school and work was going great I had made new friends and was at the very forefront of the peak of my college experience. I had attended a couple of parties and had just been invited to my very first frat party. After the whole Austin situation I decided to push my sexuality down and not think about it as much and just live life. And it was working until the night of the frat party. I had drank to much and remember being helped upstairs to one of the rooms by a group of fraternity brothers left on one of the beds to sober up. I fell into a deep sleep, next thing I remember is waking up to a sensation I had not felt in a long time. As I opened my eyes I heard the base of the music in the distance, I looked down and saw my pants around my ankles and my limp dick being worked on while in a guys mouth. I grabbed him by the hair on the back of his head and lifted his head to see who it was, “What are you doing?!!! who are you?!!” I yelled as I jumped to my feet and put my pants on. “It's cool man, it's cool” he kept saying “No, no its not cool!!” as I started to walk out I heard another guy come out of the bathroom as he said, “Oh, party's over?” as I leaned over and threw up everywhere. Apparently while I was passed out I had been a human blow pop for these frat boys... And this my friends was my first gay experience.